


As A Good Thing

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Kane (Band), Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-03-27
Updated: 2010-01-23
Packaged: 2018-09-03 05:43:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 28
Words: 38,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8699515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: After receiving treatment for cancer, Jared joins a cancer support group and meets Jensen. Get cancer, fall in love.  AU.
Warning: READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.  This is a death fic one of J2 WILL DIE.  If this is not the type of story you like, please scroll to another story.A/N: Did you see the warning? * points up *.  This is a work of fiction and while an effort was made for research, many elements are for dramatic purpose.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

Jared lay back as Sandy kissed down his chest toward his cock.  Sandy was a lady who thought blowjobs were as unladylike as it got, but with a good meal and smooth talk, she usually gave in.  He looked down as she reached his cock and saw the look of uncertain disgust. Slowly she opened her mouth looking up at him.

 

“It will be so good, baby.” Jared smiled encouragingly.

 

Sandy closed her eyes, ‘I’ll think of the beach’ and slid her mouth down Jared’s hard cock.  Jared closed his eyes and fantasized about a beautiful woman who actually liked to suck cock.

 

“OW! SHIT!” Jared stared at Sandy. “WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?”  The pain in his left ball was excruciating.  His hand quickly covered his balls.

 

Sitting back on her hunches, “DON’T YELL AT ME! You wanted me to put your….penis (more spit out than said) in my mouth. THAT’S WHAT I DID!”

 

“Did you bite it?” The pain wasn’t subsiding. His eyes tearing up.

 

Sandy got dressed and slammed the door as she left.  Jared tried to breathe through the pain.  Finally he was able to get off the bed and went into the bathroom.  He looked at his balls in the mirror.  His left one was slightly distended. When he touched it, pain shot through his body. 

 

Testicular cancer. Jared felt his whole body go numb.  He was only twenty-six year old actor trying to make a name in Hollywood. What kind of leading man would he be with only one ball?  Wait minute, can you die from testicular cancer? The surgeon assured him that with removal of the diseased testicle by radical inguinal orchiectomy and radiation treatments; Jared would have a complete recovery, and be a good candidate for reconstructive surgery.  But radiation could make Jared sterile, so he might consider freezing his sperm if he wanted children in the future.

 

The minute he called, his parents made arrangements to fly out to L.A. to be with him for as long as he needed.  Sandy looked alarmed. “I had that in my mouth”, she shrieked! “I knew I shouldn’t have let you cum in my mouth!” Even though she spit the cum out, how did he know she didn’t catch cancer? She promptly broke up with him. 

 

Jared woke up in recovery alone.  His hand wandered down to his crotch.  He felt his soft cock and right ball.  As his hand gently touched the bandage and space where his left ball used to be, tears filled his eyes.  It wasn’t so much pain as a lost of self-esteem. He had always been self-conscious of his body, skinny with too long limbs. What woman would want him now? Was he even a man?  A nurse saw he was awake, checked his vitals and gave him some ice chips.  He nodded when she asked if he was ready to see his parents. Both of his parents rushed to his side, kissing where the tears fell on his face, telling him he would be fine.

 

Thanks to his parents’ loving care, Jared’s recovery went as smooth as it could.  He was quick to anger and lash out, but his parents stood firm and refused to let it get the best of any of them.  They encouraged Jared to go to acting class when he felt like it and helped him learn lines for scenes. When depression threatened to set in, they did something fun.  After a month, Jerry needed to get back to work if he expected to have a job.  Jared assured them he was fine and with only a couple more radiation treatments, he was ready to be on his own.

 

He started auditioning again.  Working was a good way to take his mind off things.  After the bandage came off, he looked in the mirror at the scar where his ball used to be, he made every effort never to look in the mirror again.  He was emotionally raw to the point if he didn’t get a part, he would lie in bed and cry for hours.  He wouldn’t leave the house for days.  At his next check up, the doctor recommended a support group. “Go once and if it doesn’t help, don’t go again.”

 

Jared walked into the room at the community center where the Cancer Survivors Group met.  He quickly felt shy as he looked at the people standing and sitting talking.  He started to bolt when he heard a voice beside him.

 

“Welcome to the Cancer Survivors Group.”

 

He turned his head and looked into two green eyes. “Um…I….” Then Jared got a look at the rest of the man who was holding his hand out to shake. Dark hair framed a beautiful face covered with a smatter of freckles. An open smile caused crinkles around the green eyes. What did this healthy man know about cancer? “I’m just leaving.”

 

“Why?” Puzzled expression.

 

‘Because I’m not going to discuss I have only one ball with a guy who looks like the jocks that picked on me in high school.’  Jared’s self esteem was fragile enough. “I’m in the wrong place.”

 

“We’re all same. AND we all need each other’s help.” The man held out his hand again. “My name is Jensen. I’m the moderator of the group.”

 

Jared shook the hand. “My name is Jared.”

 

“Welcome Jared.  If you don’t want to speak, that’s fine. We’re not the kind of group that makes everyone speak.”

 

Both men and women made up the group. Several introduced themselves to Jared and welcomed him. 

 

Jensen looked at the group. “Anyone have news? No. I have some.  The anniversary of my mastectomy was this past weekend.”  As the group clapped, Jared couldn’t help staring at Jensen’s chest-he couldn’t tell. Jensen looked like he had never been sick a day in his life. Embarrassed he quickly looked away. “For those who are new to the group. Two years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. After surgery and treatment I’ve been in remission.”

 

After the meeting Jensen walked up to Jared. “Well, what did you think?”

 

Jared took a drink from the water bottle he was holding. “You had breast cancer?”

 

“Yes, men can get breast cancer too. We just don’t get the ribbons and publicity” Jensen smiled.

 

“You don’t look like you’ve ever been sick.”  Jared swallowed and said quietly. “I feel everyone knows.”

 

Jensen led him over to chairs and motioned for him to sit down. “What type of cancer did you have?”

 

“Testicular.”  Jared stared at the floor.

 

“You had surgery and follow up treatment?”

 

Jared nodded.  His cheeks getting red, tears coming to his eyes.

 

“Look at me.” Jared looked up into green eyes. “What we did to survive cancer is nothing to be ashamed of. We are not less of a person or a man.”

 

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

The group did help Jared-got him out of his little apartment and showed him how lucky he really was.  One man in the group, Roger, cancer recurred and he started another round of chemo and drugs.  A woman died a month after Jared started attending the group.  Although he never met her, Jared attended the funeral with Jensen and the group.

 

 

 

In spite of his jock looks, Jared found Jensen to be down to earth. Everyone took turns helping Jensen clean up after the meeting.  Jared was picking up trash left around the chairs.

 

 

 

“Jensen what do you do for a living?” Just making conversion.

 

 

 

“I play guitar in The Steve Carlson Band. We’re play bars around town.  What do you do?”

 

 

 

“I’m an actor.  Well, really trying to get started.  Right now it’s small parts here and there. You know, sneeze and you miss me.”

 

 

 

“Yeah” Jensen smiled. “I can say I knew you when.”

 

 

 

Jared laughed. “How long have you been in the band?”

 

 

 

“Only little of the a year.” Jensen started folding up chairs, stacking them against the wall.  “I’ve known the guys longer. I use to be a music teacher and when I got sick I realize I loved music and hated teaching. So as soon as my treatments were over and the insurance paid up, I quit and joined the band.”

 

 

 

Jared started folding chairs. “I’d like to check it out. We are you playing?”

 

 

 

“This Thursday at Reid’s. Come by.”

 

 

 

The club was loud and crowded. The Steve Carlson Band seemed to have quite the following.  Women were standing six deep at the foot of the stage.  A tall guy with long blonde hair sang lead vocals.  Jensen stood beside him playing guitar and singing background.  He was the only person on stage as far as Jared was concerned. The girls cheered at the end of every song.  The blonde guy announced the band was taking a ten-minute break.  The women looked like a herd moving toward the side of the stage.  Jared saw Jensen walk backstage.  He made a beeline for the opposite end of the stage and saw a door shutting.  Looking around to make sure no one saw him, he hopped on stage and went out the back door.

 

 

 

The moon was full so the back of the club was well lit.  Jensen was standing by himself drinking a bottle of water.  He turned to see Jared and smiled. “You came.”

 

 

 

“Yeah.” Jared smiled back. “The band is great.”

 

 

 

Jensen did a little thank you bow. When he straightened up, Jensen leaned over and kissed Jared.  It was a chaste kiss, but it surprised Jared enough that he pulled back.

 

“I’m sorry man.” Embarrassed didn’t come close to how Jensen felt. “That was inappropriate.”

 

 

 

Jared shook his head.  “No. It just surprised me that’s all.” He could see Jensen was mortified. “Really it’s cool.”

 

 

 

“I better get back in.” Jensen pushed past him through the door. 

 

 

 

He could hear the music start back up as he stood there in the moonlight.  His eyes closed as he concentrated on still feeling Jensen’s lips on his. He never kissed a guy before. Hell, never wanted to, besides those were boy crushes.  Sandy was first woman he actually had a sexual relationship with and that involved more work than it was worth. But Jensen. Jared’s lips felt warm. His spine tickled.

 

 

 

The club closed after midnight and Jared waited until he saw Jensen say good night to his band mates and was unlocking his car. 

 

 

 

“Hey.” Jared stepped out of the shadows. Jensen stared at him surprised. “I wanted apologize for earlier.”

 

 

 

Jensen shrugged. “You have nothing to apologize for. It was my mistake.”

 

 

 

Jared stepped close to Jensen and kissed him.  When Jensen didn’t kiss back, Jared stepped away from him.  Now he knew how embarrassed Jensen felt.

 

 

 

“What are you doing Jared?”

 

 

 

“I thought….”

 

 

 

“I’m not someone for you to experiment on.” As Jensen put his guitar in the back seat, “listen, cancer makes you revaluate your life. You do things you might not otherwise do and sometimes that’s not good.”

 

 

 

Jared caught him as he turned. “I’m not experimenting. I wanted to kiss you. This is not a revaluation-you’re right, you are the first man I’ve kissed, but. no woman made me feel like you did.”

 

 

 

Jensen thought for a moment, “You want to come back to my place for coffee?”

 

 

 

Jared parked behind Jensen’s car in front of a small bungalow.  He followed Jensen through a small living room scattered with guitars and a piano into the kitchen.  Jensen motioned for him to sit as he made the coffee.

 

 

 

Jensen sat a cup in front of him with sugar and sat down across from him.  “Jared, I like you a lot, but I need you to understand something. I was living with a partner I thought loved me and would help me through treatment.” Jensen took a drink of coffee.

 

“I’ve always used my, for lack of a better word, beauty to get what I wanted. Oh, yeah I know how good-looking I am. When I was with Jeff, my ex, he loved to show me off. We would go to clubs and pick up some guy together and bring him here and fuck his brains out.  I thought that was what I wanted.  It made me feel good. Did wonders for my self esteem.” Jensen looked down at his chest. “When I got sick, it made me realize that I didn’t want other men.  I loved Jeff and wanted it to be just the two of us.  He told me he loved me until…..” Looking Jared in the eyes.  “I still can see the look on his face when”, Jensen paused and took a deep breath, “he saw my mastectomy scar for the first time. At least he had the good grace to cry when he told me he couldn’t live with the side effects of chemo. Or, as he said, didn’t want to watch me die.”

 

 

 

Remembering Sandy’s reaction, “What did you do after he left?”

 

 

 

“I felt so bad about myself, my body. I needed to prove to myself I was still that guy who could get anyone with a snap of my fingers. I would go to the clubs and pick up men and if they wanted to have sex, I kept my shirt on and wouldn’t let them touch my chest. All it did was make me feel worst about myself.” Pointing to his chest,  “Jared, this me now.  The point is I’ve done the one-night stands. I deserve more. I want more.”

 

 

 

 “Jensen, when I got sick, I was with a girlfriend for four years, and she never made me feel like you did with one kiss.  Maybe you’re right, cancer is making me revaluate things. All I know right now is, this is not about being gay or straight, this is about me finding something better too.”

 

 

 

Jensen stared at him like he was trying to read Jared’s mind-see his real motivation. No doubt he could drown in those hazel eyes.  Over time he found himself attracted to the young man sitting in front of him.  Looked forward to seeing him at meetings. Was everything he wanted really in front of him like an open door? Had cancer made him brave or just stupid scared?

 

 

 

They both leaned forward at the same time, lips seeking lips.  Jared felt Jensen’s tongue gently ask to enter.  He opened his mouth intertwining his tongue around Jensen’s. Felt brush of long eyelashes against his cheekbone. His lips caressed Jensen’s. His hands moved to rest on Jensen’s waist. Jensen pulled back and looked him straight in the eyes. Those green eyes shook him to his soul.

 

 

 

Jensen led Jared into his bedroom.  After turning on the light, he pulled his Led Zepplin t-shirt over his head. A rough, puckered scar ran diagonally across his right pec.  There was no nipple and the skin concaved because all the breast tissue had been removed.  Jared stared at the scar then his eyes went to the perfect shape left pec.

 

 

 

Jared stepped closer and laid his hand on Jensen’s left pec, his thumb caressed over the freckles. He watched his hand moved to the right pec run his finger tips over the scar, fingers spread out on the concave skin feeling a small shudder run through Jensen’s body. Looking up at Jensen’s eyes, Jared pulled his grey t-shirt off. His arms went around Jensen’s shoulders as Jensen’s arms encircled his waist.  It was like an electrical shock as his bare skin touched Jensen’s chest. They held each other as their mouths opened for their tongues to touch. Puffs of breath on the other’s cheek. Stomachs brushed on deep breaths. Hands caress down spines, over shoulders. Kisses became more deep and demanding. 

 

 

 

Jensen was on overload. It had been such a long time since anyone touched him, forget kissed him, in a sexual way.  Jared froze when he felt Jensen’s hardening cock.

 

 

 

“I’m sorry.” Jared whispered in shame. Ashamed of how his body looked. And worst, ashamed because Jensen had bravely opened himself and he could not do the same.

 

 

 

“It’s fine.” Jensen said as he rubbed his hand up and down Jared’s back. “Believe me, I understand.”

 

 

 

Jared stepped out of Jensen’s arms and picked up his t-shirt to put it on. “I’ll leave.”

 

 

 

Jensen put his hands on either side of Jared’s face and caressed his cheeks with thumbs. “You have nothing to be embarrassed about.  Jared, it has been a long time since someone has touched me like you did. You don’t know how many nights I wondered if anyone would be able to touch me again without feeling repulsed, thinking my scar is ugly. Thank you.” Jensen kissed Jared quickly on the lips.

 

 

 

Wrapping his fingers around Jensen’s wrists, “May I stay? Just sleep here.”

 

 

 

“Sure. I’ll grab a quick shower. Make your self comfortable.”  Jensen went into the bathroom. 

 

 

 

Jared stripped down to his boxers and slipped beneath the covers of Jensen’s bed.  He inhaled deeply Jensen’s smell on the pillow. By the time Jensen was done showering, Jared had relaxed.  He felt Jensen slip under the covers on the other side of the bed.  After a couple of minutes, Jared scooted over until their backs were together and finally went to sleep. 

 

 

 

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

Jared’s cell phone woke them the next morning.  His agent arranged an audition for a major supporting character in a Disney TV movie.  Jensen sat up rubbing his eyes, as Jared got dressed.

 

“Maybe we can do something tonight?” Jared said as he pulled on his t-shirt.

 

“I’ve got band rehearsal.  Steve wrote some new songs he wants to get ready for our next gig.”

 

‘You don’t want to see me. I don’t blame you.’ “Ok another time.”

 

Jensen took his hand. “Call me around nine. We’ll get something to eat.”

 

Jared smiled as he imputed Jensen’s cell number into his phone. When he kissed Jensen, Jensen kissed back.

 

At 10:15 Jared walked into the rehearsal room in back of Steve’s house. Practice was winding down and he stood by the door to listen to the last song.  Jensen smiled when he noticed Jared. Steve scrutinized Jared as they shook hands. “So you’re the infamous Jared I’ve heard so much about.”

 

Jared blushed. ‘Wait a minute. Jensen talked about me.’ Also he was impressed that anyone could wear that much turquoise jewelry and still be able to move.

 

They decided to get pizza to take back to the bungalow.  They drank beer and ate as Jared told Jensen about the part.  “It’s about a girl who talks to dolphins.” When Jensen laughed, “Hey, its Disney.”  It was a nice meal without the tension of the night before. After dinner, they moved into the living room and Jensen played some of the new songs for Jared. On one song, Come Around Alabama, Jensen taught Jared the chorus and they laughed at the bad notes they both sang.

 

Their lips seemed to have minds of their own. Not saying a word, they move toward each other. Hands found warm skin as shirts were removed.  With shaky hands, Jared undid Jensen’s jeans pulling them down his legs.  A hard leaking cock stood up from dark pubic hair with two perfectly round balls.  “Whatever you want to do” he heard Jensen say.  Jared caressed his hands up Jensen’s thighs to his hips. Jared stopped, a smile coming to his lips.  He looked up a Jensen. “I’m getting hard” with a tone of disbelief. It was the first time since the surgery and it felt SO GOOD to be hard.

 

Jared spread his knees to give his hard cock more room and leaned down to kiss where Jensen’s neck met his chest. Slowly he kissed down to the left nipple. Sucked on it as his tongue circled it.  Felt the vibration as Jensen moaned deep in his chest.  Jared moved to caress his lips over the scared pec, kissing, feeling the warmth and texture of the skin.  The gentleness made Jensen’s stomach shake. 

 

His fingertips moved across Jensen’s hip to his cock.  Wrapping his fingers around it, Jared stoked slowly.  He never touched another man’s cock before and was amazed at the softness of the skin, the veins running the length. He leaned down to licked cum off the slit. The bitter taste exploded on his tongue. Jensen’s hand fisted in his hair. Jared pulled the cock into his mouth. It was warm against his tongue it’s heaviness filled his mouth.  He started moving up and down, Jensen’s appreciative noises encouraging him.  His own cock throbbed in his pants. He was so engrossed that he barely registered Jensen saying he was about to cum before he was shooting into Jared’s mouth. Jared hoped Jensen didn’t notice he wasn’t touching his balls on purpose.

 

Jensen pulled Jared up to kiss him hard, pushing his tongue inside tasting himself on Jared’s tongue. When the long kiss broke, “I want to touch you.” There was a pause before Jared nodded.  Jensen pushed Jared down on his back. “Lift your hips” as he pulled Jared’s jeans down. He felt Jared start to shake as nerves took over. Jensen gently caressed his chest. “We can stop if this is too much.” Jared shook his head no. He wanted to feel Jensen touch him. 

 

Jensen leaned over and kissed Jared until he calmed down; he kissed and licked Jared’s neck and felt him relax more. He sat back on his hunches as his hand caressed down to Jared’s hard cock. After stroking enough to get a moan out of Jared, Jensen gently caressed his fingertips over the remaining ball. Jared’s nails dug into the floor rug. “You’re safe with me.”

 

Jared’s hips came off the floor as Jensen’s mouth engulf his cock.  The wet heat pulled up and slid down. He looked down to see Jensen’s eyes closed in enjoyment, his tongue wrapping around the cock in his mouth. Jared’s head dropped back on the floor as he panted in pleasure. He never been able to come from just head with Sandy, so he was surprised as cum rushed through his cock in sheer pleasure.

 

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

The sun shining through a window woke Jared.  He stretched only to realize Jensen wasn’t in bed with him.  He pulled on his boxers and found Jensen in the kitchen dressed in shorts and tank top tying running shoes.

 

“Going running?”

 

Jensen looked up. “Today is the Cancer 10K Run.” Jared remembered hearing some of the group talk about it.  “Jason got one of the bars to sponsor us.”  He stood up and pulled Jared in for a hug and kiss. A long wet kiss. “This is not helping my stamina.”

 

Grinning Jared said, “Maybe we can try something else to help your stamina.” That earned him a smack on the butt. “I’ll be ready in a few minutes to go with you.”

 

Jensen smiled back at him. “Steve is planning on putting you to work.  A concert and barbeque is planned for this evening to thank the volunteers. The band is the entertainment and since me and Jason are running, Steve and Riley need your help setting up.”

*****

Freshly showered after the busy day, they were in Jensen’s bed.  Jensen was lying on his stomach. He wasn’t asleep just resting with his eyes closed concentrating on the feel of Jared’s hand moving on his back. Everything that happened over the last two years was worth it to find Jared. He was falling in love again, but it was much different than with Jeff.  Jared accepted him, scar and all. Jared validated everything he wanted.

 

Jared loved touching Jensen. Loved the feel of his skin as he traced the freckles that covered his back. And he saw how people looked at Jensen. He was a beautiful man with dark hair and diamond green eyes. More importantly, he gave Jared a sense of self-confidence. Jared kissed the back of Jensen’s shoulder causing Jensen to open his eyes and smile. 

 

Jensen rolled onto his side, putting his hand Jared’s hip, “I want to make love with you. Be inside you.”  Jensen rolled them until he was on top as Jared’s legs opened underneath him. Open lips met as tongues intertwined. Soft moans as hands caressed over hips and curves of buttocks. Intimate smells deeply inhaled.

 

Jared stretched as Jensen kissed and licked his neck.  Giggled as Jensen’s breath tickled the short hairs on the back of his hairline. His fingers combed through Jensen’s hair to rest on the back of his neck, tips rubbing along the skin. Jensen kissed down his chest to lick and suck one nipple before moving to the other.  Jared’s stomach muscles began to shake as Jensen’s lips followed fingertips down past his navel. Jensen pulled Jared’s boxers down and off. Caressing his hands up and down Jared’s thigh, Jensen kissed up his cock. “I love your cock. Love looking at it, touching it.”

 

Jensen looked up to see Jared’s eyes closed, tears on the eyelashes. Although he was hard and leaking, Jared still felt insecure about his body, the way his cock and balls looked.   “Open you eyes.” Eyes stayed close. “Jared, look at me.” Eyes opened and looked right at Jensen’s eyes. “I want you because of the way you make me feel.  I think you’re beautiful. OK?”  Jared nodded; he saw it was the truth in Jensen’s eyes. Jensen lightly and slowly stroked Jared’s cock as he bent down to kiss along the scar to Jared’s right ball.

 

Tears slid down Jared’s temples at the gentleness of Jensen’s kisses, the soft touches. That Jensen would even touch what he couldn’t bear to look at. At that moment Jared fell in love with Jensen. Fell in love with being desired. Jared pulled Jensen off him and sat up. “I have to tell you something.” Jensen looked uncertain. “I love you. I wanted you to know.”

 

Jensen smiled back. “I love you too.”

 

Jared rushed to kiss him so hard Jensen fell back with Jared on top of him.  They smiled at each other for a moment before Jared leaned down to kiss him. A kiss filled with his love and it felt REALLY nice to kiss Jensen like that. Kissed the green eyes that never looked at him with disgust. Ran his tongue down the straight nose with a bump in the middle, across the lips that kissed him in affection.  Moved to kiss along Jensen’s neck, feeling him sigh. Kissed down the smooth chest to the hard nipple and along the scar that meant Jensen was alive and here with him.

 

He moved down to touch the two perfect balls, feeling the texture and weight in his hand. Jared licked the balls before moving up to suck Jensen’s hard cock into his mouth.  As he moved, he continued lightly caressing the balls. When he felt them pull up, Jared rose off Jensen’s cock. “Come inside me.”

 

Jensen reached into the bedside table for the lube. “Turn on you side.”

 

“No I want to see you.”

 

Nodding Jensen hooked his hand under Jared’s knee and pushed it back.  He trailed his tongue down the sensitive area between Jared’s ball and hole.  Jared gasped and dug his nails into the bed.  Jensen chuckled against the hole as the flat of his tongue lapped at Jared’s hole. After a bite to the swell of Jared’s buttock, Jensen squeezed some lube on his fingers. He watched Jared’s eyes close in bliss as one finger entered him. The hazel eyes opened as two fingers found his prostate.

 

He felt every vein in Jensen’s cock as he pushed into him.  Jensen gave him time to adjust to the fullness and warmth of his cock. Jared pushed back to let Jensen know to start moving. The thrusts started slow and gentle and soon had Jared panting “harder”.  Pleasure traveled up his spine hitting all the synapses. Jared’s legs wrap around Jensen’s waist. His chest arched up to Jensen’s.  Wet sloppy kisses as hands caressed everywhere within reach.

 

Jensen moaned at the tightness around his cock. Jared was so responsive, so warm under him. His hands gasped Jared’s ass to pull him closer on each thrust. He came when he heard Jared say I love you.

 

TBC 

 

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

They startled awake.  It took a minute to figure out what woke them.  Jared jumped when a man with dark hair and a graying beard stepped into the doorway of the bedroom.  He looked at Jensen who glared at the man.

 

“Wait in the living room.” Jensen waited for the man to move before pushing the covers off. When he didn’t, “WAIT IN THE LIVING ROOM!”

 

With a dismissive look at Jared, the man turned and they heard footsteps move away. 

 

“Who was that?”

 

Jensen pulled on a pair of sweat pants. “Jeff.”

 

Jared angrily kicked off the covers looking for his jeans.

 

“Stay here.” Jensen said as he pulled the t-shirt helm down over his hips.

 

“No! Who does think he is coming into your house?”

 

“Don’t get in the middle of this. Please.” Jensen left Jared sitting on the bed.

 

Jeff was in the living room pickling keys on the piano.  “What do you want?” caused him to turn around. “Whose the boy?” Jeff nodded in the direction of the bedroom.

 

“So that’s why you’re here. You heard something. One he’s not a * boy *. Two it’s none of your damn business. You left me remember.”

 

Jeff took a couple of steps toward Jensen. “You look really good.” His hand caressed up Jensen’s bare arm.

 

Jensen knocked his hand off. “Don’t even think about it. Give me the key and get out of my house.”

 

 “I thought I should hold on to it just in case.” Jeff made a show of removing the key for his keychain. His face and voice soften. “I’m sorry for what happened. I was a spineless dick, but I was scared you were going to die. I love you so much” as he tried to pull Jensen into a hug.

 

Jensen pushed him back. “Love me. Jeff you left when I needed you to love me.” He pulled the t-shirt off over his head. Pointing at the scar, “look what you left me with.  I just had part of my body cut out. Poison was being plumped into my veins. I was so scared, I had nightmares that they found cancer throughout my body and kept cutting until there was nothing left.” It felt so good to finally get the anger out. “I loved you so much that I gave up who I was for you. You wanted a pretty boy who asked no questions. Who didn’t demand respect from you. Well take a good look because this is who I am now. But this scar pales to the scars you left on me.”

 

Jeff hoped he did a good job of hiding his repulsion as he walked around Jensen toward the door.  He thought Jensen would have had enough sense to have reconstructive surgery.

 

When he heard the door slam, Jensen crumbled to the floor.  He thought he had moved past it, was over the way Jeff left. Suddenly Jared was kneeling in front of him, kissing the tears on his face. Jensen hugged Jared tight, fisting his hands on his t-shirt.

 

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

In between auditions, Jared earned extra money working as a roadie for The Steve Carlson Band. Even during the four weeks he was shooting the Disney movie, he roadie when he could. Jared knew the movie wouldn’t do anything for his career, but at least if anyone sneezed they wouldn’t miss him.  To celebrate being cast, Jensen pushed him down on the bed, nudged Jared’s legs apart with his knees. “I’m going to ravish a Disney star.”

 

When shooting was over Jared went back to being a full-time roadie. He loved watching Jensen on stage.  Jensen was so happy and relaxed when he was playing, so into the music. For a long time, Jensen had been content to be in the background, but the way Jared made him feel, reacted to him gave Jensen the confidence to step out a little more.  He and Steve even started writing together.  Jensen claimed Jared was his muse sent to bring the music out of his soul.

 

_When I think about you_

_I think about love_

_To live without you_

_I live without love_

_Feel like making love to you_

Jensen never took his eyes off Jared as he sung _Feel Like Making Love_. Jared couldn’t help feeling smug as women fluttered around Jensen.  ‘Look all you like. I’m the one going home with the sexy guitar player.’

 

After an out of town gig, they packed the instrument trailer and hopped in the van for the ride back to L.A.  Steve drove with Jason riding shotgun so they could talk about their favorite subject, the problems with L.A. city government. Riley quickly fell asleep like he always did, which amazed everyone because they were still pumped from the show.

 

Jensen and Jared sat in the very back seat where it was dark for a reason.  Jared was aroused from watching Jensen, who was aroused from Jared watching him.  As soon as they sat down, their lips met, tongues intertwine.  Hands sought skin under shirts. Smell of beer mixed with sheen of sweat filled their nostrils. Attempts to keep sighs soft as lips kissed necks and teeth scraped across skin, checking to make sure no one else heard. That was how they always spent the ride back to L.A. until…..Jared’s hand caressed across Jensen’s jean covered cock. Jensen broke the kiss and Jared could see the look of surprise by the interstate lights. Another caress and squeeze caused Jensen to look quickly at Steve and Jason up front.

 

Jensen leaned close to Jared, “are you nuts?”

 

Jared smiled and said as quietly, “I want you in me.”

 

“We can’t do that her…..” his protest cut off with a kiss. Jared gasped a handful of Jensen’s’ hair to hold his head still, lips against his as he undid Jensen’s’ jeans.  He pulled the hard cock out stroking it as his tongue fucked Jensen’s mouth. Jensen panted against Jared’s cheek as he tried to control his moans.  When Jared finally let Jensen breathe, the van had entered a stretch of interstate that wasn’t lit.  Jared dug around in his backpack for lube.

 

Jared undid his pants and turned so his back was against the wall of the van.  Jensen helped him pull his jeans and boxers off while keeping an eye on Steve and Jason, who was on a tirade about the L.A. water department.  Riley still happily snored in the middle seat.  Jensen looked back and in the dim headlights of trucks passing the van, saw Jared laying on the seat, his cock hard and drops of pre-cum on his stomach.

 

Jensen pulled Jared until he was lying flat on the seat with his thighs cradling Jensen’s hips then he pulled his jeans down to his knees. Jared poured lube on Jensen’s fingers. Wet, sloppy open-mouthed kisses as Jensen pushed two fingers into Jared’s tight hole.  Between the seat being so small and Jensen on top of him, Jared literally couldn’t move. He gasped the top edge of the seat he was lying on and the seat beside him. Nails dug into the upholstery as Jensen’s fingers moved in and out, spreading to stretch him. His leg was pulled up toward his chest as he felt the head of Jensen’s cock against his hole.  Flashes of light, rumbles of passing trucks under his back as Jensen pushed into him.  His t-shirt rolled up his chest with each thrust. Jared closed his eyes, feeling the hard flesh move inside him. Wet kisses on his lips and cheek. How good it felt inside him quietly in his ear. Moans against his neck. His tongue searching for Jensen’s warm mouth. Whispering I love you. Jensen whispering back.

 

Jason stopped in mid sentence and sniffed the air. Steve looked questioning at him he smelled it too. Realization at the same time.  Jason looked at the back of the van. Riley was still snoring contently, but he couldn’t see Jensen and Jared.  Smiling Jason looked at Steve and nodded.  “You’re kidding,” Steve mouthed. They snickered and rolled their windows halfway down.

 

A deep moan was out of Jared’s mouth before he could stop it.  Jensen slowly rose up and peeked over the back of the seat at the front of the van. Steve and Jason were looking forward, seemed to be listening to the radio.  Jensen thrust deeper. Jared braced himself on the seats. A kissed muffled the sound of their orgasms.

 

As they pulled up their jeans and got settled, Jared noticed cum on his Steve Carlson Band t-shirt.  He elbowed Jensen and pointed, “you got cum on my shirt.”

 

Jensen kissed him. “When we get home I show you the pleasures of laundry sex.”

 

“How long until we’re back to L.A.?” Jared asked Steve.

 

TBC  
  



	7. Chapter 7

To Jared’s surprise the Disney movie did a lot for his career. Pre-pubescent girls everywhere swooned and set up fan sites on the Internet.  Jared worried he was being typecast. Jensen thought it all was a hoot.  The cancer group was very proud of him.  Then Jared was offered a small part in a prestigious film; apparently the producers didn’t spend much time on the Internet. To celebrate, Jared pushed Jensen down on the bed and ravished him.

*****

Jared had an early call so Jensen lazily got out of bed.  The band played late into the night and he was exhausted by the time he arrived home.  He had been feeling sluggish, but chalked that up to he and Jared were training for that year’s 10K Cancer Run plus the pace Steve had the band on.  A record company was showing some interest, but wasn’t sure there was a big enough fan base for a contract.  They started playing gigs outside of LA, which meant road trips.  They were still a fugal band and sometime hotels were out of the question.

 

Jensen started the coffee maker and stumbled into the shower. As warm water started waking him up, he poured some shower gel into his hand to wash his face and chest.  The lump was on the side of his left pec near his armpit.  Tears came to his eyes as he carefully felt around the lump trying to find the edges. It was the size of a quarter. His knees buckled. He sat on the floor of the shower, head on his knees, arms wrapped around his legs and cried.

 

It was around eight in the evening when Jared got home.  He tried to call Jensen during the day and kept getting voice mail.  He checked his calendar and the next gig was in two nights. 

 

“Jensen?” Jared walked into the living room to find Jensen sitting on the floor playing his guitar. Five empty beer bottles beside him. “I’ve been trying to call you all day,” Jared sat on the floor in front of Jensen.

 

Plucking the strings, not looking at Jared. “It’s back.”

 

“What’s back?” Jared laid his hand on Jensen’s to stop the plucking. “Look at me.”

 

Jensen’s eyes were red and swollen. “I found a lump while I was showering.”

 

Jared swallowed loudly panic pressing in on his chest. “It doesn’t mean….”

 

“It means I’m out of remission.” Jensen tossed the guitar beside him, knocking the bottles over; the strings shook making a screeching noise. He pulled his t-shirt over his head and grabbed Jared’s hand and put it on the lump. “That is what I felt two and a half years ago.”

 

Jared pulled him into a hug. “We are not going to panic until you see a doctor.” ‘Not now. Please not now.’

*****

Dr. Beaver felt around the scar on Jensen’s right pec before moving to his left one. Jensen was sitting on an examination table wearing an open shrift.

 

“First thing we are going to do is an ultrasound to see how big the lump is and how deep it is in the tissue.  Also to check and make sure there are no other lumps.”

 

Jared was glad Dr. Beaver let him come into the examination room with Jensen.  Dr. Beaver was in his mid fifties and had a fatherly manner that he found calming.  A nurse helped Jensen lay back on the table, moved his arm up so his hand was over his head.  With his other hand, he reached for Jared. 

 

“You will feel a cold sensation” as Dr. Beaver squirted gel on Jensen’s right pec.  After moving the transducer around the scar, “no lumps or unusual anomalies. Good.” He squirted gel on the left pec. As he moved the transducer over the lump, Jensen gripped Jared’s hand tighter. Dr. Beaver frowned in concentration at the picture he was seeing.  He removed the transducer and the nurse wiped the gel off Jensen’s chest.

 

Dr. Beaver turned to Jensen. “I want to do a biopsy. We need to see if this is in fact a reoccurrence or a benign lump.  I can do this now in the office. We will give you a local anesthetic and I will draw cells from the lump and the surrounding breast tissue.”

 

“And if it is a recurrence?” Jensen heard the shake in his voice.

 

“One step at a time. Let’s find out what we are dealing with first. If it is a recurrence then we will make a treatment plan.”

 

After the doctor gave Jensen a local, he used a long hollow needle to withdrawal the samples.  Jensen turned to Jared with tear filled eyes.  Jared smiled at him. Their intertwined fingers became tighter as Jared whipped the tears from Jensen’s eyes. The nurse put a pressure bandage on Jensen’s pec and he was told they would call when they had the results.

 

“I don’t want anyone to know yet,” Jensen said. Jared nodded as he drove them home.

 

Over the next two days, Jensen was on edge and irritable. Jared tried to be positive and distract him.  They were eating lunch when Jensen cell rang. “Two-thirty is fine.” Jensen shut his cell phone and without looking at Jared, “the test results are back.”

 

Sitting in Dr. Beaver’s office, Jensen felt numb. It was back. After all this time, he knew the cancer was back.  He heard the door open and shut, and then Dr. Beaver was sitting in front of him.

 

“Jensen, we got the biopsy tests back. Your cancer has recurred. The tumor is deep in the breast tissue.”

 

Jared took Jensen’s hand. Jensen didn’t blink, didn’t move.

 

“I’m going to schedule the surgery for next week.  You will check into the hospital on Monday for blood tests and make sure you have no other underlying problems that will be complicated during surgery. Wednesday morning I will remove the tumor with all the breast tissue, check your lymph nodes to make sure they are clean. If it looks like the chest wall is affected I will remove the muscle. Because this is a recurrence, I strongly recommend chemo as well as drugs to balance your hormones and help with any side effects.”

 

Dr. Beaver looked from Jensen to Jared. “Any questions?”

 

Suddenly Jensen snapped out of his trance. “HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN?”

YOU SAID YOU GOT IT ALL! THAT CHEMO WAS JUST A PRECAUATION TO MAKE SURE THERE WAS NO REACCURANCE!  AND NOW YOU SIT THERE AND TELL ME AFTER TWO FUCKING YEARS THAT I HAVE TO HAVE MY OTHER BREAST CUT OUT AND MORE CHEMO!” Jensen stood up. “MAKE DAMN FUCKING SURE TO GET IT THIS TIME!” He stormed out of the room slamming the door.

 

Jared stared at the closed door. He was surprised at the outburst. It was so unlike Jensen. He looked at Dr. Beaver not knowing else to say, “I should go after him.”

 

“My assistant will call Jensen with all the details. Jared, I would have been worried if he acted any other way than angry.”

 

Jensen was sitting outside on the steps, shaking and trying to control the tears. Jared sat down beside him and put his arm around his shoulders, “Let’s go home.” He let Jared pull him up and they walked to the car. When they pulled in the driveway, Jensen was out of the car and into the house.  Jared heard Jensen throwing up in the bathroom and sat on the bed.

 

“Get use to it, because you’ll going to hear a lot of that,” Jensen said as he came out of the bathroom.

 

“Jensen, I want to help…..Maybe we should talk about this.”

 

“Fine,” Jensen snapped, “I have breast cancer. You’re turn.”

 

Jared tried to control his own anger at the way Jensen was acting, at finding out the cancer returned. “I know you’re angry…..”

 

“ANGRY!” Jensen slammed his fist down on the near by dresser. “JARED I HAVE SOMETHING THAT COULD KILL ME! I CAN’T GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN!”

Jared was off the bed and hugging Jensen. Jensen hugged Jared back as his body shook with tears. “I love you so much. I love the band.  My life is where I want it. That’s why this time is so much worst.”

 

Jensen and Jared were helping to set up for that night’s gig when Steve asked Jensen, “Is something wrong?”

 

“We’ll talk later.”

 

Jensen brought them all beers after the show as they sat backstage. “My cancer has returned and I’m schedule for surgery next week. I will also need chemo treatments.” He looked at Steve, Jason and Riley to see shock on their faces. “I know that we have gigs scheduled…..”

 

Steve hugged him. “Don’t worry about the band.” 

 

Then Jason and Riley hugged him. They all told him not the worry and he would be back before long. They each brought a round.

 

After they got home, Jensen went into the bathroom to shower.  Under the warm water, he ran his hand over his left pec, feeling the lump.  He remembered the nightmares where the doctors were cutting bits of him off until there was nothing left. Tears rolled down his cheeks as fear rose in his throat like bile. ‘Why did this have to happen now?’  He turned off the water and dried off.

 

Jared was already in bed waiting for him.  As Jensen lay down on his side facing the wall, Jared curled around him, pulling him into a tight hug.  He needed to hold Jensen, feel him breath, feel the solidness of Jensen’s body in his arms. To feel the warmth against his lips as he kissed Jensen’s shoulder.

 

Jensen laced his fingers with Jared’s. “I’m scared.”

 

“I’m scared too.”

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

Jared sat on the bed staring at his cell phone. He remembered when he called his parents to tell them he was seeing Jensen.  They didn’t say any thing, but Jared could hear their minds clicking as they tried to process that their seemingly straight son was really gay. Finally Sherri broke the silence, “What is Jensen like and where did you meet him?”

 

 

 

“Hello.”

 

 

 

“Hi Dad.”

 

 

 

“Hi Buddy.” Then a faint, “Jared’s on the phone.”

 

 

 

“Hi Honey,” as the extension was picked up. Jared could hear the smile in her voice. “What do you know?”

 

 

 

“Hi Mom.” Jared took a deep breath. “Um, I’m calling because…..Jensen is having surgery next week. His cancer is back.” He felt like the wind had been knocked out of him.

 

 

 

“Oh Honey, I’m so sorry to hear that,” Sherri’s voice caught. ‘I was afraid this would happen.’

 

 

 

“Do you need for us to come to L.A.?” Jerry asked.

 

 

 

“No. Jensen’s parents are flying in this weekend and will stay while he’s in the hospital. I just wanted you to know.”

 

 

 

“Son, if you need us…..”

 

 

 

“I know.”  Jared wiped the tears from his eyes.

 

*****

 

He saw Jensen in both of his parents.  Alan had the same diamond green eyes, but Jensen was Donna’s son.  He had her crinkle eyed smile and the same smattering of freckles on his nose and cheeks. Donna was in constant motion while Alan was the calm in the storm. And Jensen seemed happy they were with him.  Josh, Jensen’s brother, was finally marrying his college sweetheart Allison and asked Jensen to be the best man.  As soon as he heard about the surgery, Josh called to say they were postponing the wedding and Jensen insisted they go ahead as planned.  Since the semester was almost over, Jensen told his sister, Mackenzie, to finish her courses at UT because she would be waiting around like everyone else.

 

 

 

Monday morning they drove Jensen to the hospital and got him settled.  They channeled surfed and waited while he went for tests.  That night Jensen sent his parents back to the bungalow while letting Jared spend the night with him.

 

 

 

Jared was sitting in a chair by the bed.  Jensen moved over and asked Jared to lie down beside him. Jared draped his arm across Jensen’s stomach and snuggled close. Jensen kissed him. “Thank you for being here. I know I’ve hadn’t been easy to live with. And it’s not going to get any easier.”

 

 

 

Jared smiled at him. “We’ll take it one step at a time.”

 

 

 

Gabe, the night nurse, came in to check Jensen’s vitals and give him a sedative. Jared started to get off the bed, “Stay. It’s alright.”

 

 

 

“You don’t mind.”

 

 

 

“If I had a nickel for every time I walked into a room with two people on the bed, my great-great-great-great grandchildren wouldn’t have to work,” Gabe smiled at him. “It seems to make everyone feel better.”

 

 

 

Bright and early Wednesday morning, nurses and orderlies prepped Jensen for surgery. Before he was wheeled to the operate ring room, Alan, Donna and Jared kissed and told him they loved him.  Over the longest four and a half hours, they field phone calls from relatives and friends.  Steve brought them coffee in such big cups, Jared was afraid they would all be in the bathroom when Dr. Beaver came out to talk to them about the surgery.  Jason and Riley dropped by.

 

 

 

Finally Dr. Beaver emerged from the hallway.  He pulled a chair over and sat down in front of the small group. “Jensen came through the surgery fine and is in recovery.  Once he wakes up and we are sure there are no complications from the anesthesia or the surgery, he will be moved to his room.” Dr. Beaver took a pause. “When I opened the breast, I discovered the tumor had leaked into the lymph nodes and the chest wall. I had to do a radical mastectomy, which meant the removal of all breast tissue, lymph nodes under the arm and the chest wall muscles.  Because of the leakage into the lymph nodes, my concern is cancer cells may have moved into the blood stream and settled in another part of the body.”

 

 

 

“Oh no!” Donna gasped.  Alan squeezed her hand, feeling sick.  Jared felt he couldn’t breathe.

 

 

 

“Mrs. Ackles”, Dr. Beaver continued, “Jensen’s body is in shock from the surgery.  We are going to give him a week to rest and then do a MRI to see if they are any cancer colonies. A treatment schedule of chemo will be set up based on our findings.  Jensen will be monitored closely over the next two months.  If the cancer has spread, and I say IF, we hopefully have caught it in time.” Dr. Beaver stood up. “I can let you see Jensen for five minutes in recovery.” He looked at Steve, Jason, and Riley, “I’m sorry only family until he gets to his room.”

 

 

 

Alan, Donna and Jared followed Dr. Beaver through swinging doors to recovery.  Dr. Beaver told a nurse to show them to Jensen for five minutes.  They passed curtained beds, some with visitors, to Jensen.  He looked so small on the bed.  His eyes closed, breathing deep with an oxygen nasal cannula in his nose.  A blanket covered the lower half of his body.  A bulky bandage was on his left pec with surgerical graze wrapped across both his breasts. Alan and Donna kissed his forehead and told him they would see him in his room.  Tears came to Jared’s eyes.  He was so happy the surgery was over, but worried over what Dr. Beaver had told them.  After Alan and Donna exited out of the curtain, Jared kissed Jensen’s lips and then whispered in his ear “I love you”.

 

 

 

TBC


	9. Chapter 9

Jared, Alan and Donna decided to work in shifts so someone would be with Jensen at all times, but they all ended up staying, only leaving to eat, shower and change clothes. Gabe had fold out chairs brought into the room.  Jensen, hooked up to a morphine pump, floated in and out.

 

 

 

The day after the surgery a post op nurse came in to speak with Jensen and the others about what to expect.  She explained that it was normal for Jensen to feel depressed and have emotional swings.  His body was adjusting to the surgery.  Patience would be required on everyone’s part. It was important for Jensen to let his family know his needs.

 

 

 

Dr. Beaver checked on Jensen mid-morning and explained what he had told Jared and his parents.  Jensen would be scheduled for a MIR and after the test, a chemo schedule and treatment plan would be started.

 

 

 

A couple of nights later Jared sent Alan and Donna to the bungalow for the night.  They looked as exhausted as he felt.  Besides, Jensen seemed to be more alert. Jared settled in the chair next to the bed and reached over to lace his fingers with Jensen’s. He channeled surf until he landed on a program with two guys fighting angels or something.  They had never watched the program and Jared couldn’t make heads or tails out what was going on.  He started to change the channel when he heard something.  Jensen was staring at him with tears in his eyes.

 

 

 

“What’s wrong? Do I need to call a nurse?” Jared was on his feet leaning over Jensen.

 

 

 

“You’ve changed your mind,” Jensen wiped at his eyes.

 

 

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

 

 

“You don’t sleep with me.”

 

 

 

 “That’s because you’ve just had surgery and I’m afraid of hurting you.” Jared smiled at Jensen and squeezed his hand.

 

 

 

“Please lie down with me for a while.”

 

 

 

Jared gently lay on the bed putting one arm under Jensen’s neck and carefully the other arm across his hips.  “Is that better?”

 

 

 

Jensen smiled as Jared leaned over to kiss him. Slow kisses to express love and reassurance as Jensen rested his hands on Jared’s arm.

 

*****

 

He was in that place between sleep and waking. His chest was starting to hurt again.  The bed dipped beside him, then he felt a kiss on his lips.  It was familiar but not Jared’s. When he roused himself, he was met by blue eyes and a smile that always got his attention.

 

 

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

 

 

“Steve asked me to fill in with the band until you’re back on your feet.”

 

 

 

His smile faded when he realized that his chest wasn’t covered. As he started to pull the sheet up, Chris laid his hand on his. 

 

 

 

“Why didn’t you call me when Jeff left?”

 

 

 

Jensen watched Chris’s his thumb rub over his hand. “That seemed to be tacky.”

 

 

 

“If this one leaves, call me.”

 

 

 

“This one’s not going to leave.” Chris turned toward the angry voice.  Jared stood in the doorway with a cup of coffee.

 

 

 

“Jared.” Ignoring Jensen, Jared continued to glare at Chris. “Jared!” When Jared finally looked at him. “This is Chris Kane.”, smiling, “a good friend.”

 

 

 

Chris stood and held out his hand.  Jared took a couple of steps toward him and looked at the hand.  After a moment’s hesitation, he shook Chris’ hand. He knew that Chris had been Jensen’s lover once and been in Steve’s band. Jared sat down on the bed where Chris had just sat.  Chris gave Jensen a sly roll of the eyes and sat in the chair by the bed. 

 

After a couple of hours, Chris could tell Jensen was getting tired and took his leave. Jared hadn’t said anything while they talked and was relieved Chris left.

 

 

 

“Something on your mind?”

 

 

 

Jared looked at Jensen. “I saw him kiss you and….” He knew he was letting jealously get the best of him and, worst, while Jensen was getting over surgery.

 

 

 

“Chris is someone I will always have fond memories of.  We were together for a long time. And I don’t like the way it ended.”

 

 

 

“Why?”

 

 

 

“I fell in love with Jeff because I was never in love with Chris.” Jensen tugged on Jared’s hand. “Lie down with me and we’ll watch CNN. I like to think someone is having a worst time than me.”

 

 

 

Jared kicked off his shoes and lay down. As he turned the channel to CNN, he put his arm under Jensen’s neck.  Jensen rested his head on Jared’s shoulder. Thanks to the moraine he was soon asleep.

 

 

 

Alan walked into the room a couple of hours later.  Jensen was drinking juice while Jared channel surfed.  After kissing Jensen on the cheek, he suggested that Jared go home and get cleaned up. “Donna’s been cooking all day. It keeps her mind off things and she feels productive.”

 

 

 

Jensen nudged Jared. “You could use a good meal.” Another nudge. “I envy you. Go.”

 

*****

 

“It’s me.” Jared called out as he entered the bungalow. 

 

 

 

“In here,” Donna called from the kitchen. She smiled at him, Jensen’s smile. “Just in time.  The meat loaf is almost done.  I made some meals that you can warm up when you get hungry, although when Jensen”, she paused for a moment, “when Jensen starts chemo, you’ll be lucky to get him to eat a cracker.”  Jared put his arms around Donna and hugged her.  She hugged him back as tight. “Now you grab a shower and we’ll have something to eat before we go to the hospital.”

 

 

 

Jared felt some of the tension drain out of his body as he stood under the hot water.  He was so emotional exhausted.  It was the waiting. Waiting to bring Jensen home. Waiting to be certain surgery removed all the cancer. Waiting for chemo to start. Waiting for the side effects. Suddenly he was crying. He didn’t have to be stoic or strong. Now he could let all that raw emotion out. Face how scared he really was.

 

 

 

Cooking gave Donna something to do.  She always liked to be proactive and take care of things before they got out of hand. And now she was helpless. There was nothing she could do to help her son.  She threw the spoon she was using to stir the rice down. “SHIT! SHIT!”  ‘Parents aren’t suppose to bury their child.’ Tears rolled down her face. She thought of the food she made and none of it was going to do one damn thing.

 

 

 

Donna turned quickly around as Jared came into the kitchen.  He could tell from her movements that she was wiping her eyes, and pulled her back into a hug to hold her until she got her emotions under control.

 

 

 

“Sit.” Donna fixed them plates and sat across from Jared.  The meat loaf was good with rice and green beans.

 

 

 

“I met one of Jensen’s friends today.” Jared said between bites. “Chris Kane.”

 

 

 

“Christian is here in town?” Donna asked surprised. Jared nodded with a full mouth. Chuckling, “That man always was surprising.”

 

 

 

“How do you mean?”

 

 

 

“Well, Chris is the reason Jensen moved to L.A. They met at the University of Texas while taking music classes.  Chris moved out here to get in the music business and Jensen followed him.”  After taking a sip of her ice tea, “I remember the first time Jensen brought him home.” Laughing, “Alan and I didn’t know what to make of him. We knew Jensen was gay, but he hasn’t told us before hand about Chris.  He wasn’t so much rude, just didn’t have any manners or social graces. And I could tell he adored Jensen.”

 

 

 

“Jensen must have loved Chris if he came out here with him.”  More of a question than a statement.

 

 

 

“I think Jensen loved being around someone who shared his interests and had good sex with.” Jared coughed, shocked at Donna’s statement. Smiling at Jared, “I’m not blind, I’m his mother. But I think he felt affection for Chris.”

 

 

 

They ate in silence.  As Jared was helping Donna clean up and pack some food for Jensen, she didn’t care what they said, home cooking never harmed anyone. “Donna, what did you think of Jeff?”

 

 

 

Donna thought for a moment before speaking. “Jeff was very charming-could turn your head before you knew it.  Jensen would talk about him constantly.  I thought it was nice that Jensen had found someone he loved. And when Jeff left, it took all of Alan’s skill as a husband to keep me from getting on a plane and killing that son of a bitch.”

 

 

 

Jared couldn’t help smiling. It was funny to see someone who valued manners as much as Donna cussed.  Then he realized Donna was smiling at him.  “It’s good to know you love Jensen as much as he loves you.”

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

Jared called Alan and Donna to tell them Jensen was coming home.  Dr. Beaver checked the incision and told Jensen he could go home.  A nurse gave him prescriptions for pain pills and antibiotics as well as instructions on taking care of his incision. 

 

 

 

The first thing Jensen wanted to do when he got home was take a bath to wash the hospital off him.  Donna made spaghetti while Jared went to have the prescriptions filled.    It was a beautiful spring day, so they ate on the bungalow’s small patio.  Jensen wondered how many more spring days he would have.  As the news filter around, Jensen received phone calls from his siblings and members of the group. Steve stopped by to play some new songs and show Jensen what work he had done on the songs they were writing together.  Jensen really couldn’t hold a guitar, but had been thinking of some lyrics while in the hospital.  Soon after dinner the pain pills kicked making Jensen sleepy.  It felt good to be in his own bed where Jared’s smell lingered.

 

*****

 

The bed was empty beside him.  Jared pulled on a pair of sweat pants and walked through the bungalow.  No Jensen.  He looked out the back door’s window and saw Jensen sitting on a lounge chair with a blanket over his legs. 

 

 

 

“Hey.” Jared sat beside Jensen’s legs.

 

 

 

Jensen smiled at him. “Hey. What are you doing up?”

 

 

 

“Wondering where you were. What are you doing out here?”

 

 

 

“Needed some fresh air.  I woke up thirsty and suddenly felt claustrophobic, so I came out here.”

 

 

 

It was cool, but the moon was full.  The air smelled faintly of flowers.  Jensen scooted over and held up the blanket for Jared to sit with him. Jared draped an arm across him, his nose against Jensen’s cheek. Felt Jared’s breath across his lips. Every since he had been home, there was an underlying sadness.  He thought about the time he was at the Farmer’s Market and saw an elderly couple.  They smiled at each other in a way that still spoke of love and passion after so many years. At the time Jensen thought ‘I want to smile at someone like that when we old.’ Jensen laced his fingers with Jared’s. ‘Now I’ll settle for two more years with Jared.’ 

 

 

 

A tear falling on Jared’s nose made him look up worried.  Jensen wiped his face. “It’s the meds. They make me sleepy AND weepy.” He attempted to chuckle at his own lame joke, but Jared only worriedly looked at him. “While I was in the hospital, I thought of all the things I always wanted to do but for some reason didn’t. One of them is” Jensen paused smiling at Jared “to make love out here on the patio during a full moon.”

 

 

 

Jared stared at him like he was trying to decide if Jensen was serious or not.  Jensen made a playful huff sound and pulled Jared in for slow, caressing kisses like Jensen was trying to memorize the warmth and feel of Jared’s lips. His finger tips caressed down Jared’s cheek, rubbed around a mole before moving down to his chin. “I love you so much” Jensen whispered.  Before Jared could say a word, Jensen kissed him again.

 

 

 

As their tongues intertwined, Jared straddled Jensen’s lap. He braced himself with his hands on the back of the lounge chair so he wouldn’t lean on Jensen’s sore chest.  Jensen moved to kiss and lick Jared’s neck as his hands moved across Jared’s chest, stopping to caress his hard nipples. Jared scraped his teeth along one shoulder, gently biting at the freckles.

 

 

 

Jensen’s hands moved around Jared’s hips, pushing inside the sweatpants to squeeze and scrape his nails along the firm ass. As he pushed Jared up until he was on his knees, Jensen pulled the sweatpants down.  Kissed along Jared’s firm stomach, nipped at the short hairs under his navel.  Jensen’s left side was still sore, so he used his right hand to stroke the cock above one full ball.  Smiled at the soft moans from Jared.  Drops of cum looked like pearls in the moonlight. His strokes became firmer, like he was trying to milk cum out of Jared’s cock. 

 

 

 

Still stroking, Jensen coated two fingers with cum and moved back to circle Jared’s opening.  The lounge chair shook as Jared jumped. He pushed back as the fingers entered him. It wasn’t enough and too much. The fingers’ drag had an edge of pain, an edge of pleasure.  Then the fingers were gone.

 

 

 

“We need lube,” Jensen panted against his stomach.

 

 

 

Jared was too aroused. “It’s enough.” He pulled his sweatpants off and reached for Jensen’s boxers.  Kissing him, sucking on his tongue, Jared coated Jensen’s cock with his own leaking cum.  As he gripped the back of the lounge chair hard enough for his knuckles turned white, Jared slowly pushed down on Jensen’s cock. When he was fully inside of him, Jared leaned his forehead against the side Jensen’s neck, feeling the warmth of Jensen’s skin caressing inside him.

 

 

 

Alan was so exhausted he couldn’t sleep. Ever since Jensen called them, his anger and fear overwhelmed him, but it was his job to be stoic for his family, now including Jared.  He remembered seeing an open bottle of wine in the fridge.  A couple of sips would help relax him.  Quietly he put on his robe and went to the kitchen.  He noticed the back door was unlocked, so he looked out the window.  In the moonlight, he saw Jensen and Jared move against each other with open passionate loving smiles. The weight lifted from his chest.

 

 

 

As Alan crawled under the covers, Donna woke up.

 

 

 

“What’s wrong? Is Jensen all right?”

 

 

 

Smiling, Alan kissed her cheek, “Go back to sleep my beauty. Everything’s fine.”


	11. Chapter 11

Dr. Beaver sighed as he looked at the MIR results.  Breast cancer spread to three places.  Jensen’s liver was clean. His bones looked healthy. He studied the lungs.  Because of the design of the lungs, air pockets and the way they work, it was hard to tell if something was a shadow or a cancer colony.  Dr. Beaver took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes.  Chemo helped many patients lead healthy cancer free lives, but for others it just slowed the spread of the disease, sometimes for years.  Jensen had been in remission for two years, which put the odds in his favor.  The determined doctor would try to increase those odds.

*****

 

Jensen was nervous as he and Jared walked into the Thompson Cancer Center.  Dr. Beaver had privileges and recommended that Jensen receive his chemo at the center.  If Jared hadn’t been with him, Jensen was sure he could not have managed to walk in the front door.  He had nightmares, like fever dreams, of the poison being pushed into his body. Screaming in agony, bile choking him.

 

 

 

“Hi I’m Katie,” the petite woman held out her hand.  “I will be administering your chemo treatments, Mr. Ackles.”  After they shook hands, “I’ll show you around.” Motioned for them to follow her. “The center is designed to offer a complete care plan along with the chemo treatments. Since chemo can cause nausea and a lack of appetite, we have full time dietitians on staff.  They can help you with a meal plan that insures you receive proper nutrients while not being rough on your stomach.” As they passed another office, “We also have acupuncturists on staff.  Many patients have said it helps with the nausea as well as any pain.  Also we have masseuses and mediation classes.  The goal is to treat the whole person and not just the cancer.  Please take advantage of all our services.”  The center was very impressive with art on the walls and a cool, calming color scheme.  Soon they were back to the main office.

 

 

 

Smiling Katie patted Jensen’s arm, “Are you ready to get started?”

 

 

 

Jensen took a deep breath, “As ready as I’m going to be.”

 

 

 

Turning to Jared, “You will have to stay in the waiting room. Only patients are allowed back in the treatment room.”

 

 

 

Jared squeezed Jensen’s hand, hoping his smile was reassuring. “I’ll be here waiting for you.”

 

 

 

The treatment room had individual cubes with a reclining chair and TV hanging from the ceiling.  Jensen got settled trying to calm his breathing.  Katie pulled a pole attached to the chair closer to Jensen’s side and hooked a bag of solution to the pole.  After putting on gloves, she wrapped a rubber ribbon around his arm just above the elbow.  An IV catheter was place in a vein and the tube from the solution was attached.  The rubber ribbon was removed and the clasp on the tube was opened.

 

Jensen’s face contoured in pain as the chemo solution dripped into his vein.  Tears came to his eyes.  It felt like fire was being pushed in.  His hand covered his mouth as the dry heaves started.  Thankful he didn’t eat before coming.

 

 

 

“Jensen, are you all right?  There is a plastic bowl was on the table if you have to throw up.” Katie’s voice was filled with concern as she gently rubbed his arm. “Do you need anything?”

 

 

 

Shaking his head no, Jensen tried to breath through the initial onslaught.  Finally the burning subsided enough to be tolerated. 

 

 

 

“I need to check on other patients.  Here is the call button.  If you need anything, do not hesitate to use it. I’ll be back to check on you.”

 

 

 

For the half hour Jensen was receiving treatment, Jared paced the huge atrium. He had two cups of coffee.  Looked at brochures that were spread around the center. His radiation treatments had no side effects, and he knew Jensen was dreading chemo.  Hell, he was dreading chemo.

 

 

 

When Katie led Jensen out to the waiting room, he was pale and his normally bright green eyes were dull and unfocused.   It took a moment for Jared to realize Katie was talking to him. “Having a slight fever is normal. He can have Tylenol, but if it spikes over a hundred for more than an hour, seek medical attention, it maybe a reaction to the chemo. Here is a prescription if the nausea becomes too much. The pharmacy is open until midnight.  Call if there are any problems or questions.” 

 

After they arrived home, Jared helped him into bed.  Jensen pulled the covers up until only the top of his head was visible.  Jared kissed his hair and went into the living room.  He was determined to learn everything about chemo. While flipping between the Mayo Clinic and American Cancer Society websites, he heard Jensen in the bathroom. 

 

Kneeling down by the toilet, he rubbed Jensen’s back as he retched.  Handed him a glass of water to rinse his mouth out before wiping Jensen’s mouth with toilet paper.  He wet a washcloth with cold water then sitting back against the wall pulled Jensen between his legs. As Jensen leaned back on his chest, Jared wiped his face and held him until he was sure the retching was over. 

 

“Have some ginger ale.” Jensen shook his head no. “It will make your throat feel better and settle your stomach.”  Jensen took a small sip and turned over burrowing into the covers. Jared brought his laptop into the bedroom to be closer.  Jensen was up twice more, the last time it was only painful dry heaves. 

*****

Jensen smiled at him when Jared woke the next morning.

 

“How do you feel?”

 

“Better.”

 

“You need to eat something. I brought some yogurt. Or maybe some soup. I can make you some soup.”

 

Jensen chuckled before kissing Jared. “Yogurt is fine.”

 

They were sitting at the table eating when Jared’s cell phone rang.  His agent, Eric, set up a national beer commercial audition for the next day.  Jensen mouthed for him to say yes when he hesitated.  Eric said he would e-mail Jared the script and info.

 

 “Jared, I don’t want you turning down auditions.”

 

“But what if they want to shoot on your treatment days?”

 

Taking his hand, “Chemo is an inconvenience that we will work around.  I’m not going to let it take over my life or yours.  Okay?” Jared nodded. “I’m going to work on some lyrics.  If I go to sleep wake me in time to get ready for group.”

 

The group welcomed Jensen back. Since he had been in the hospital they had taken turns setting up and running the group. Before they ended for the night, Malik asked to speak.

 

“My doctor told me that he has done everything possible for me, so I’ve decided to withdrawal from the battlefield with honor.” Surprised gasps from the other members.  Jennifer, who was sitting beside Malik, laid her head on his shoulder as tears came to her eyes. He gently patted her cheek. “None of that from any of you. For fifteen years I’ve told Carolyn that I wanted to go to the Grand Canyon and take one of those tours where you ride the mules.  She always looked at me like I lost my mind. Well, on Friday we leave for the Grand Canyon and don’t worry I’ll make sure she gets lots of pictures of me on that mule.”

 

As the rest of the group gathered around Malik, Mary moved a chair closer to Jensen and sat down. Mary was a short woman with dark curly hair.  She was more adorably cute than pretty and had the figure of a nine-year-old girl due to two radical mastectomies. As she put her arm around Jensen’s, he clasped her hand between his. “So how are you really?”

 

“Sore. Nauseated.” Jensen smiled.

 

Mary chuckled. “I remember those days.” She had been in remission for six years after two surgeries and three rounds of chemo.  “You know what cancer has taught me?” Jensen shook his head no. “I have a really good husband.” Robert, Mary’s husband, was twenty years older and not that good looking.  Everyone wondered how he got a woman like Mary. “When I was having chemo the first time, Robert would vacuum endlessly and cook anything that could be to cooked, and I was crawling out of my skin. I would yell at him for hovering. Then I would yell at him for not hovering. And through it all, he attached himself to my hip.  Finally we figured out the best way he could help me was simply to hold me through it all.” Smiling she looked at Jared talking with a couple of others. “Jared seems to be a good man.”

 

“Yes. Yes he is.” Jensen smiled in Jared’s direction.

 

“Having cancer does not just affect you, it affects him too. Remember both of you have to get through this.” Jensen looked at her in surprise.  He and Jared didn’t hide their relationship, but they weren’t open in group either.  So what if Jared was at the hospital when one of them visited. “What?” Mary smiled at him. “We’re a cancer support group. We talk about everything.” She studied him. “Before all my hair fell out, it was as straight as a board. When it finally grew back, it was curly.  I spent a fortune on perms and all I had to do was get chemo. I’m feeling a little foolish now.”  They laughed.  Mary ran her fingers through Jensen’s hair. “You would be cute with curly hair.”

 

Jensen turned his head when Mary waved. Robert was munching on a cookie.  He never stayed for group, just dropped off and picked up his wife. “There’s my ride.” She kissed him on the cheek. “See you next week.”

 

“Before you go, can I ask you something?”  Mary nodded. “Why didn’t you have reconstructive surgery?”

 

“After so much…. I couldn’t face it.  And Robert has never asked.”

 

Jensen kissed her on the cheek. “Thanks. I’ll see you next week.” He watched as Mary crossed and kissed Malik’s cheek.  Robert held out his hand to her. There was the smile before they left hand in hand.

 

Walking to the car, “You and Mary have a good chat?” Jared asked.

 

“She gave me a good piece of advice.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

Jensen stopped and turned to face Jared. “She told to keep my head out of my ass and realize how lucky I am to have you.”

 

TBC


	12. Chapter 12

  
Author's notes:

This is a Thank You Note for sticking with the story this far.

  


 

* * *

Jensen’s cock was soft. He laid his hand on Jared’s, stopping the stroking. Embarrassed, “It’s the chemo. An eighty year old man could get hard faster.”

Jared moved his hand from Jensen cock to put his arm around him. “It’s alright.” Leaning in, Jared kissed him slowly, caressing Jensen’s lips with his own. “I love kissing you.” Kissing across Jensen’s cheek, down his neck, “Touching you.” Jensen wrapped his arms around Jared’s neck, his hand in Jared’s long hair. “The way your skin feels on mine.” Jared raised his head to kiss Jensen, this time his tongue gently pushed in. Jensen sucked on it before pushing back into Jared’s mouth.

Pulling back, Jared smiled at him. “Roll over on your other side.” Since his chest was still sore, Jensen either laid on his back or one of his sides. When Jensen’s back was to him, Jared kissed along the shoulder, biting at the freckles with his lips, to the spine.  His fingers traced a line from one freckle to another as lips followed. As his tongue licked through the fine hairs above Jensen’s ass, hand moved across the back his thigh, pushing his leg out and up. Leaning back on his elbow, Jared watched as the movement spread the cheeks of Jensen’s ass revealing the pinkish brown hole. Jared kissed and bit along cheek. “Love freckles.” Feeling Jensen shifted his hips, his hand moved down Jensen’s thigh to gently squeeze and caress his balls. Fingertips moved back to caress the sensitive area behind Jensen’s balls as he kissed across the other cheek.

Jensen buried his face in the pillow, panting as the warm lips and tongue moved on him. Fingers caressed. His nails dug at the sheets.

Heard Jensen hiss as the tip of his tongue licked across the tight hole. Spreading him wider, Jared kissed and licked at the rim. Jensen’s hips started thrusting movements. Jared held his head still, his tongue out. On a thrust back, Jared’s tongue barely slipped in, letting Jensen’s movement dictate how much of his tongue when into the hole.

Jensen wined in frustration and reach back to fist one hand in Jared’s hair. Rising a little up on his knees, he thrust back as Jared’s tongue slid into him.  As he rode Jared’s tongue, his cock began to harden. Jared’s fingers caressed his balls. Puffs of Jared’s breathe tickling the fine hairs along his crack.  He wasn’t going to last long, another effect of the chemo. “Jared!”  Stilling as the orgasm rocked up his spine. He rolled over onto his back panting.  When Jared lay down beside him, Jensen touched his cock feeling moisture.  “You came?”

Jared nodded, smiling.

TBC


	13. Chapter 13

  


 

  
 Chapter 13

 

 

 

The beer company received such a strong response from the commercial; they decided to build a campaign around Jared.  Eric, Jared’s agent, was beside himself with excitement, and Jared knew this was a good opportunity professionally as well as financially.  Until he found out print ads were scheduled on Jensen’s chemo day and the two commercials were to be shot the day afterwards.  As Jensen received more treatments, he was sicker and the nausea lasted longer.  Jared asked if the days could be moved and Eric told him that he was in no position to demand anything.

 

 

 

“Jared, don’t worry.  I can find someone to take me to chemo.” 

 

 

 

That someone was Chris.  Jared still felt a pang of jealousy as far as Chris was concerned. He remembered seeing Chris kiss Jensen in the hospital.  During a break at the photo shoot, Jared called to see how Jensen was doing.

 

 

 

“Hey Chris. It’s Jared.”

 

 

 

“Hey Jared.”

 

 

 

“How is Jensen?”

 

 

 

“We got home about forty minutes ago and he’s been in bed ever since.  You want me to see if he’s awake?”

 

 

 

“No. He usually goes to sleep. If he gets sick, there is ginger ale.  It helps settle his stomach.”

 

 

 

“Will do.”

 

 

 

After a few seconds pause, “Okay, then.”

 

 

 

“Jared, we’re fine.”

 

 

 

It had been a long day, made longer from worrying about Jensen.  Really, he had an irrational fear that Chris would try to win Jensen back.  It didn’t help that he walked into the bedroom to see Chris rubbing Jensen’s back, singing softly to him. 

 

 

 

Chris turned as he entered. “Hey.” Turning back to Jensen. “Jared’s here.  I’ll see you tomorrow, buddy.” Jensen nodded weakly.  He stood up and walked past Jared.

 

 

 

Jared kissed the side of Jensen’s head. “I’ll be back in a minute.”

 

 

 

“Thanks for staying with him.” Jared said when he walked into the living room.

 

 

 

“Is he always this sick after a treatment? He threw up twice already.”

 

Nodding, “Yeah, lately the treatments are harder to get over.  He’s taking meds for the nausea and fatigue.”

 

 

 

 “And how are you?”  Jared looked puzzled. “You’ve been the one taking care of Jensen through all this.  How are you?”

 

 

 

“I’m good.” Jared said with a shrug.

 

 

 

After letting Chris out, Jared went back to the bedroom. Sitting on the bed beside Jensen, “How are you feeling?” 

 

 

 

Jensen turned over and reached for the glass of ginger ale was sitting on the bedside table. He was taking a drink when his stomach heaved.  He vomited on himself and the bed.  As Jensen cleaned himself up, Jared changed the bed and put the sheets and clothes in the washer. 

 

 

 

“I’m so tired of being sick.” Jensen sobbed as Jared got into bed beside him. “I want to be over.”

 

 

 

Jared pulled Jensen over until his head lay Jared’s shoulder. He kissed Jensen forehead and held him until he finally cried himself to sleep.  He wanted it to be over also.

 

*****

 

Chris was used to sleeping in, so in order to be at the bungalow when Jared had to leave at seven am, he stayed up all night.  After Jared left, Chris went into the bedroom and lay down by a sleeping Jensen.

 

 

 

Jensen woke some time later still nauseated as he turned and blinked in surprise to see Chris. He wondered if this was a chemo dream or if Chris was really in bed with him.

 

 

 

“Chris?”  No response. “Chris?” He shook the sleeping man.

 

 

 

Finally Chris sleepily looked at him. “Hey buddy, how are you feeling?"

 

 

 

“As bad as yesterday. Only without the throwing up.” Jensen laid back hoping the room would stop spinning. Something was dropped on his stomach. Opening his eyes, he looked down at the small bag of rolled joints. Smiling he turned to Chris, “From the guy by the pier?”

 

 

 

Smiling Chris held a lighter toward him. “The very same. And after all this time, he remembered me.”

 

 

 

“You did buy a lot of pot.” Jensen inhaled deeply the smoke and held it in his lungs.  The dizziness and nausea receded. As he exhaled, “That guy always had the best.” He took another hit and handed the joint to Chris.

 

 

 

“No. This is just for you.  I’ll get high off the smoke.”

 

 

 

“Thank you Chris.” Jensen said sincerely. “It has been a month since I felt this good.”

 

 

 

“You should have told Jared to get you some pot, man.”

 

 

 

“Jared’s not into pot. Two beers and he’s ready to call it a night.”

 

 

 

Chris prop his head up on his hand. “Knew he was a light weight the minute I laid eyes on him.”

 

 

 

“Watch it, that’s the dude I love.” He saw something pass over Chris’ face. “One of the side effects of chemo is insensitivity to other’s feelings.”  Chris started to say something, “I’ve always been sorry for the way you found out about me and Jeff.  I should have been the one to tell you, not Jeff.”

 

 

 

‘Yes, you should have.’ “You know what? Let’s not rehash this again.” ‘It’s bad enough I heard you say you love Jared,’ Chris thought.

 

 

 

Jensen took another hit off the joint. “I’m so hungry I could eat my own head.”

 

 

 

Chris reached down beside the bed and pulled up a bag.  Opening it for Jensen to see, “Donuts. The junk food of choice.”

 

 

 

Halfway through a donut, “I think there’s chicken in the fridge,” grinned Jensen.

 

*****

 

Jared called during the day and was amazed how much better Jensen sounded.  And even more amazed when he arrived home close to dark.  Jensen was showered and dress in light green linen pants and a darker green v neck t-shirt.

 

 

 

Grinning, “You seem to be feeling better.”  Jared said as he took the glass of wine Jensen offered him.

 

 

 

“Yeah. I’m making you dinner-well, hamburgers.  It’s been a tough month for both of us and I want to do something special for you. Chris took me to buy that chocolate cake you like so much.” He kissed Jared on the lips. “Go get cleaned up and meet me out on the patio.” Jensen turned Jared around and swatted his ass to get him moving.

 

 

 

Feeling a weight lift of his chest, Jared showered and walked into the bedroom for clean clothes.  The smell was dissipating, but it was obvious. He looked around until he found baggie of joints.  Sighing deeply, he looked at it.  Jensen knew Jared didn’t like the idea of drugs, any drugs, because of the trouble they bring. 

 

 

 

After he dressed in shorts and a t-shirt, he walked outside to the patio.  Jensen was grilling the hamburgers.  The picnic table was set with real dishes and candles.

 

 

 

“Perfect timing,” Jensen smiled at him before sitting the cook meat on the table. 

 

 

 

Jared sat down and poured himself another glass of wine.  Jensen was having a soft drink, wine didn’t go well with chemo. They fixed their burgers with a side of potato chips. 

 

 

 

“You seemed to have gotten over this treatment much quicker than before.” Jared chewed as he looked at Jensen. He just wanted to know if Jensen would tell him about the pot.

 

 

 

Jensen swallowed and licked his lips. He knew Jared had found the joint and silent cursed himself for not getting rid of it, but he wasn’t going to lie. Not after everything Jared had done for him.  “Chris gave me some joints. I know you don’t like drugs….but Jared the last time I felt this good was before the surgery.”

 

 

 

Jared reached for Jensen’s hand. “Ever since you’ve been taking chemo, it’s….” He searched for the right words. “It’s like you’ve fallen into a black hole. I look into your eyes and I don’t see you.  I have this recurring dream that you’re in a dark place, and I’m running through the blackness, I can hear you, but I can’t find you.  I’m panicking because you’re calling out to me.  I look at you now and I see you here. I see the man I love, and if pot helps you, then you should have it.”   Jensen smiled at him, pulled his hand up and kissed it.

 

 

 

For the rest of meal, Jared told him about his day.  It felt good to laugh with Jensen again. 

 

*****

 

He stuck two fingers into the moist gooey cake and smeared it on Jared’s lips and chin.  “Taste so good,” as he licked up Jared’s chin. Tongues chased the cake between mouths. They were sitting on bed, naked, arms and legs curled around each other.  Cake covered the side of Jared’s neck before fingers pushed inside of his mouth. Licked and sucked the fingers clean as Jensen nibbled and licked clean his neck.

 

 

 

Jared smeared cake across Jensen’s shoulder, “Cake with freckles is best.”  As his hand left trails on frosting across his back and ribs, Jared’s lips and tongue smeared cake on Jensen’s face and lips.

 

 

 

It had been so long since they were able to really make love and he wanted this to last.  He flipped Jensen onto his back as he kissed him. His lips moved to kiss and suck along Jensen’s neck before moving to his right scar. Fingers tips caress as his lips followed. He knew Jensen’s left scar was still tender in spots, so he softly kissed it. “Does that hurt?” Jensen shook his head no. His lips softly kissed around the scar.  Firmer kisses moved down Jensen’s stomach to his cock.  Grinning, Jared got a handful of cake and rubbed it all over Jensen’s cock and balls.  Stroking to mixed Jensen’s cum in with the chocolate before licking around the head. “Mmmmm. Yummy,” before Jared’s lips surround his cock.  The vibrations of Jared’s appreciative moans vibrated into his balls.  Fingers squeezed and caressed, as Jared’s head moved over him.

 

 

 

Jensen gripped the sheets, every muscle tense in pleasure.  He felt his balls tighten and pushed Jared off him, wanting to be inside when he came.  Jensen pushed him down flat on the bed. Rubbed a handful of cake over Jared’s nipples and down his stomach. Leaning over, Jensen’s tongue caressed over one nipple, smearing the frosting. Lips closed over the nipple sucking the chocolate from it.  A stripe licked to the other nipple that was lavished with the same caresses.  Jared moaned as sucking bites crossed his stomach and chocolate fingers surrounded his cock.  A warm tongue licked the chocolate from his cock.  Lips kissed, tongue licked his ball before kissing the scar next to it.  A warm mouth closed over his cock, tongue moving over the large vein. Jared fisted his hand in Jensen’s hair. His hips started to slowly thrust. 

 

 

 

Suddenly Jensen pulled off him. Jared looked down and saw Jensen scooped up some frosting. His head feel back on the bed as one of his legs were pushed up toward his chest. The frosting felt cool as it was smeared around his hole.. A moan deep in his throat as a warm tongue licked the frosting off. As he licked the frosting away, Jensen would smear more on.  He loved to hear Jared pant above him.

 

 

 

Jared legs wrapped around his hips as Jensen’s cock pushed cake and frosting into the tight hole.   He braced himself over Jared and started to thrust.  Between deep kisses, he licked at the cake on Jared’s chest. The smell of Jared and the taste of chocolate seemed to combine with the pleasure around his cock.

 

 

 

Because Jensen was not laying down on him, Jared was able to flip them so he was sitting on Jensen’s hips.  He sucked at the chocolate tails on Jensen’s shoulder and neck as he moved on his cock. The movement of his hips became faster pulling Jensen’s cock deeper inside him. Sloppy chocolate kisses as they came together

 

 

 

Jared pulled off Jensen to flop down beside him.  The smell of sex and chocolate filled their lungs as they lay panting against each other.

 

 

 

Whispered,  “I love you.”

 

 

 

“I love you,” whispered back.

 

 

 

TBC

 

 

 

 


	14. Chapter 14

“All I’m saying is you may need to find another best man.”

 

“You said you would be best man and I’m holding you to it.”

 

“Josh, my hair is falling out because of the chemo. I look sick.  And besides it’s Ally’s wedding too. She may not want….”

 

“If Alley doesn’t understand how much it means to me for you to be my best man, then I shouldn’t marry her.”

 

Jensen was sitting at the kitchen table talking to Josh on the phone.  He heard a box drop.  Leaning over, he saw Jared rummaging through the boxes he put in the garage when he moved in.  “Don’t say that. Ally means the world to you.  Listen, Jared and I are still coming to the wedding.”

 

“If you’re coming to the wedding then you can be my best man!” A long-suffering sigh. Then softer, “Really, I want you to be best man. Please.”

 

“Okay. I’ll be best man.” Chuckling at the whoop on the other end of the line, “I’ll see you when we get to Dallas.” 

 

As he hung up the phone, Jared walked through the kitchen carrying a box.  “Follow me.”

 

Jared set the box on the closed toilet lid.  He took something out and put it on Jensen’s head and turned him to the mirror.

 

“There is a beanie on my head. Why is there a beanie on my head?” Jensen stared at the multi blue colored beanie Jared put on his head.

 

“You’re worried over what people would think when they saw your hair.  You can’t wear a baseball cap during the wedding. Besides, it matches the blue tie.” Jared said as he put an arm around Jensen’s shoulders.

 

“I can’t wear a beanie either. Jared it’s a formal wedding. I’ll be wearing a suit!”

 

Jared turned Jensen from the mirror and looked in the box.  Jensen felt the beanie pulled off and replaced with another one.  Jared turned him back to the mirror.  He was wearing a black beanie with a tuff of hair out in front, no two strands pointing in the same direction.  He blinked at Jared’s reflection.

 

“You said it was formal. Black is formal.” Jared said smiling at Jensen’s reflection.

 

Jensen stared at his reflection. “I look like a dork who dropped in between ski trips.”

 

“You look eccentric.”

 

Then he laughed. Deep in his chest howling.  Jensen gingerly put his hands on his chest because it hurt a little, but it had been so long since he actually, really laughed.  They leaned against each other laughing. The sound bounced off the tile. By the time they got themselves under control, their faces were wet with tears.

 

Jensen gave Jared a loud, smacking kiss. “What other colors do you have?”

*****

Jared was a little nervous to meet the rest of Jensen’s family as they arrived in Dallas for Josh’s wedding.  He shouldn’t have worried. Josh, Ally, and Megan greeted him like a newly found relative.  Jensen showed Jared his childhood bedroom where they would be sleeping while in Dallas.  “I always wanted to bring a guy up here and have hot sweaty sex on my bed” Jensen said as Jared looked at the slightly larger–than-a-twin bed. Forget sex he wasn’t sure they would even be able to sleep together on the bed.

 

A knock on the door before Donna stuck her head in, “I made up the guest room for you two.”

 

Jensen shook his head, “Thanks mom, but we’ll be fine in here.” Donna looked at her son dubiously as Jensen smiled at her. 

 

After Donna left, Jared who pointed at the bed, “Dude, how are we going to sleep on that.”

 

“We’ll get creative.”

 

Alan insisted on taking everyone out to dinner that night at Cracker Barrel Restaurant, a family favorite.  As Alan was paying and the group was looking around the store part, Jared came across a display of chocolate products.  Candles, plates, nick knacks, and lotions that smelled of chocolate and strawberries.  Jared smiled because they both loved chocolate and strawberries.  One of the side effects of the chemo was Jensen’s skin was so dry to the point he had painful skin cracks on his hands.  He saw Jensen across the store looking at something with Megan and went to pay for the lotion.  On the walk to the car Jensen asked what was in the bag. “A surprise” was all Jared said.

 

Jensen entered the bedroom wearing a robe after showering.  Jared was waiting for him lying on the bed, wearing only boxers. Jensen admired the view while cursing the chemo for slowing down his sex drive.

 

“Lay down,” Jared said as he sat up to make room. 

 

He took off his robe and lay down naked on the bed. Jared pulled a bottle out of the bag and showed it to Jensen. He then squirted some on his hand and started rubbing them together.  The chocolate strawberry smell got stronger as Jared rubbed one of Jensen’s hands between his.  Smiling, Jared began singing. Some would run for their ear’s sake at the off key caterwauling, but Jensen was instantly seduced.

 

_wwwoooooowwwooooo sweet thang_  
dont you know ur my everythang  
wwwwoooooooo sweet thang  
dont you know your my everything

 

Jared’s hands rubbed the lotion in circles up Jensen’s arm. __  
  


 

_I think you are the one for me_  
Here is where you oughta be  
i just want to satisfy ya   
dont you hear me talking baby   
love me now or I'll go crazy   
wwwoooooowwwooooo sweet thang  
dont you know ur my everythang  
wwwwoooooooo sweet thang  
dont you know your my everythang  
yes you are  
  


Moving to Jensen’s other arm, Jared squirted lotion down the arm to the hand. 

 

_You are my heat_  
you are my fire   
you make me weep with strong desire   
I love you child my whole life long  
be it right or be it wrong  
I just want to satisfy ya   
though I cant deny it  
dont you hear me talking baby   
love me now or I'll go crazy

Jensen smiled at how bad the singing was and how it made him feel much loved.  The warmth of Jared’s big hands made his muscles relax. He had been so worried about the stress of being in the wedding affecting him badly.  He was still easy exhusted and his hair was coming out in patches.  Really he did not want anyone looking at the wedding pictures in twenty years and see a cancer stricken man especially when everyone else looked so healthy. 

 

Jared looked up and saw the crinkles around the eyes and the big smile.  And it just encouraged Jared to sing more as he settled between  Jensen’s legs.  Squirting more lotion on his hands, he started at Jensen’s feet and rubbed lotion between the toes. Jensen giggled as the bottom of his feet tickled as Jared rubbed lotion in.  Jared moved up one leg to the knee rubbing the lotion in good before he switched to the other foot and leg. 

 

_I love you child my whole life long_  
be it right or be it wrong  
I'm only what you make me babe   
dont walk away dont be so shady   
dont what your mind dont want your money  
The words I say they may sound funny but

_you are my heat you are my fire_  
you not mine I cant deny ya   
dont you hear me talking baby  
love me now or I'll go crazy

 

Bending down, Jared kissed up Jensen’s thigh as his lotion filled hand followed. Spreading Jensen’s thighs, he kissed along the inside as his hand rubbed along the top to his hip.  Jared choose to ingorned that Jensen’s hip bones were a little more promant and rubbed lotion across his stomach. Rubbing lotion into the skin by moving his hand up to Jensen’s chest and back down his sides making a big circle. 

 

Jensen’s breath speeded up as Jared’s touch caused his spine to tickle.  He wrapped his hand around Jared’s neck and pulled him down for a kiss. Jared’s tongue caressed Jensen’s as his hands caressed his body. The smell of chocolate and strawberries filled their senses.

 

When the kiss broke, Jensen reached between them tocaressed Jared’s cock, “What do you want?”

 

Jared rose up onto his knees and pulled his boxers off. His hard cock bounced against his stomach. Laying down on his side, Jared wrapped one of his legs around Jensen’s waist pulling him close. “I want this.” Chest to chest, their hips gently thurts their cocks together, siding on the lotion.  Arms wrapped tight around each other.

 

Maybe it was the loving way Jared was kissing him or the way Jared gently thrust against his cock cause pleasure to pool in Jensen’s spine. Or maybe it was knowing that Jared was still here, not out of a sense of duty, but because Jared did love him. Jensen felt Jared moan aginst his neck at the same time as he felt warm cum on his cock.

 

TBC

 

 


	15. Chapter 15

 

Chapter 15

 

The Dallas Botanical Gardens was in full bloom for the outdoor wedding ceremony.  Because it was a warm day, the reception took place in the ballroom.  Jensen introduced Jared around.  Of course everyone asked about his cancer and how he was doing. Commented on his multi blue beanie.  He came out to the gazebo to get away from it all. Catch his breath.  A big yellow and black bumblebee hovered in front of him like it was studying him.  It flew off after deciding Jensen wasn’t a flower or if he was, it wasn’t worth the effort.  The light breeze blew fragrance from the surrounding flowers.  Jensen pulled off the beanie and laid it beside him.

 

“Hey.” Jared was standing at the entrance to the gazebo. “You alright?”

 

“Sorry for leaving you in there.  I….I needed some fresh air.”

 

“Okay. Just wanted to make sure you were alright.”

 

Jensen patted the seat beside him.  After Jared sat down, Jensen intertwined their fingers.  They sat, enjoying the peace and flowers. Bumblebees flew by.

 

“It’s nice to be with you like this.” Jared smiled at him.

 

“Just remember that when you’re changing my diapers.”

 

Jared pulled his hand from Jensen’s. “Why do you say things like that?”

 

Smile fading, “Jared, I was joking.”

 

“It upsets me when you say things like that! I dread every doctor’s appointment….”

 

“YOU dread every doctor’s appointment?!” Jensen’s anger flared. “I’M the one who has cancer. I’M the one taking chemo.  So if I want to joke about it, either laugh or shut up!

 

“I’M the one who has to stand by and watch.” Jared stared at him in anger for a few seconds, then stood up and walked out of the gazebo.

 

 Jensen rubbed his face with both hands, tears coming to his eyes.  They were both under a lot of stress he knew that. What was it Mary said?  They both had to get through this.  He tried to be positive, but with the constant reminders.  Jensen ran his hand through the little hair he had left, and watched as the breeze blow the strands from his hand.

 

Jensen found Jared sitting in the room the wedding took place still angry.

 

“I shouldn’t have said what I did,” Jensen said as he sat down beside him.  Jared stared straight ahead. “I forget that this affects you too.”

 

Jared turned to look at him. “Yeah, it affects me too.  I love you and I don’t how to help you. All I do is clean up after you’ve been sick. Make sure you take your meds.” Looking at the blue beanie on Jensen’s head. “And stick a stupid beanie on your head.”  Wiping tears from both his eyes, “What I’m going to do if you get sicker or di…. I lay awake at night holding you wondering if a year from now, five years from now, will I still be holding you?”

 

“You help me just by holding me and loving me.” Jensen intertwined his fingers with Jared’s. “And stick a stupid beanie on my head so I can be best man at my brother’s wedding without feeling self conscious.” Jared snickered as he wiped a way a tear. “Sometimes during chemo, I think what if this doesn’t work. I get scared because I want to grow old with you.” Tears fell from Jensen’s eyes.  “I want lay in bed all day making love, feeling your arms and body around me. I want to write songs for you.  I want to see you in beer commercials and play great roles.” Smiling, “Anonymously go on websites and taunt fan girls with how much you love me.  I want so badly to be here for all that.”

 

Their tears mixed together as their lips met, tongues caressing.  Jared felt himself being pushed back and instead of lying across the soft chairs, he fell on the floor between two rolls. They both grunted as Jensen landed on top of him, wiggled between his legs.

 

Frantic kisses as they fumbled to undo each other’s pants. Jared lifted his hips as Jensen tugged on his pants.  Pulled Jensen back, tongue searching for his warm mouth.  Jensen stroked him as pre-cum pooled under Jared’s navel. Jared’s hand reached for Jensen’s cock.  Air dragged in through noses so their lips didn’t have to part. Jared gripped Jensen’s shirt as he pushed into him.

 

Not so much lovemaking as façade of strength failing to raw emotion.  Instead of moans of pleasure, it was tears of despair and desperate clinging to the other.

 

TBC

 

  



	16. Chapter 16

 Chapter 16

 

 

 

“Put on your best beanie and let’s go out and celebrate chemo’s over.”  Jared smiled as he kneeled down beside Jensen who was lying on the couch watching TV. “It will do us both some good.”

 

 

 

“Yeah, sure. You want to shower first?  This program’s almost over.”

 

 

 

“OK.” 

 

 

 

Jensen watched Jared leave the living room.  The discussion at the wedding was the first time they had really talked to each other about their fears and emotions since Jensen had been sick.  It was an emotional meltdown they both needed and was a long time coming.

 

Nothing had really changed since they arrived home from the wedding. Jared still took him to chemo and still held him when he threw up. Still took care of him. But something had changed.  Jensen realized that no one had taken care of Jared, certainly not him.

 

 

 

Jared wouldn’t tell him where they were going. “It’s a surprise.”  They pulled into the parking lot of Reid’s and on the marquee sign The Steve Carlson Band.  Jensen blinked in surprise and smiled at Jared.  They had avoided crowds because Jensen’s immunity system was affected by the chemo.

 

 

 

Reid’s was still as loud and crowded.  Women were already gathering at the front of the stage.  Jensen spoke to some employees of Reid’s he knew and then dragged Jared backstage.  The band was more than a little happy to see him. While everyone else was catching up with Jensen, Chris pulled Jared aside.

 

 

 

“How’s he doing?”

 

 

 

“Good.” Jared smiled. “He had his last treatment a couple of days ago, so we’re celebrating.”

 

 

 

Chris smiled. “And how are you?”

 

 

 

“Exhausted. Relieved it’s over. Other than that I’m good.”

 

 

 

The band needed to warm up and finish getting ready to go on stage.  Jensen said they would be out front with all the women.  As they were walking out to the bar area, Jensen pulled Jared out the door to the back of the club.  Instead of a full moon, the sun was just going down bathing everything in golden light.

 

 

 

“You remember the first time I kissed you out here?” Jensen smiled at him.

 

 

 

“I don’t know what surprised me more. You kissing me or my reactions to it.” Jared chuckled remembering.

 

 

 

“It seems like years ago, but at the same time, it seems like it happened yesterday.”

 

 

 

Are you going somewhere or taking a walk down memory lane?”  Jared wondered.

 

 

 

“Just thinking about the changes since that night.” When a deep loving kiss broke, “Let’s go back inside and enjoy ourselves.”

 

 

 

Two songs into the set, Steve invited Jensen to join them on stage.  Many in the crowd recognized him. All the cheers and clapping not only made Jensen blush but brought tears to his eyes.  Jared smiled lovingly at him as Jensen shared a microphone with Chris and sang for the rest of the set.

 

 

 

He was winded on the drive home but that could be contributed to being away from singing and the band for so long.  Now that chemo was over, he needed to buckle down and start singing and playing again.  This night was just what he needed.  From the Jared’s relaxed expression, it was what he needed too.

 

 

 

After making sure the bungalow was locked up tight, Jared walked into the bedroom to find a naked Jensen lying on their bed.  Smiling he watched Jared undress and get into bed. Pulling him close, their cocks nestled together, legs intertwined, Jensen ran his fingers through Jared’s hair.

 

 

 

“I hope my hair grows back thick like yours.”

 

 

 

Jared wrapped a leg around Jensen’s hip, “I hope it grows back curly.”

 

 

 

Jensen kissed him lovingly, his fingertips caressing Jared’s cheek. Pulling back to look in Jared’s eyes, “I don’t think I would have made it this far without you.” Jared grinned up at him. “It’s my turn to hold you,” as he laid his hand over Jared’s heart. Soothing his hand across Jared’s forehead, “take the worry away.”  Slow kiss, letting his tongue caress Jared’s lips before slipping in between them. “Tell you how much I love you,” as his lips moved over Jared’s jaw to his neck. He knew how much Jared loved wet open mouth kisses along his neck so he took extra time nuzzling him.

 

 

 

Settling between Jared’s legs, the kisses moved down his chest as one hand began to stoke his cock. Jared laid his hand on Jensen’s head, fingertips caressing over the bald spots and tuffs of hair.  Moaned in his throat as a warm tongue licked around his nipple and lips sucked hard. The hand on his cock never stopped stroking causing his legs to spread wider.  Jared’s other hand moved to Jensen’s shoulder touching and rubbing the freckles he loved before moving down Jensen’s back. Lips and tongue moved to his other nipple as Jared’s fingertip moved to rub inside the indention at the top of Jensen’s ass.

 

 

 

Jensen looked up at his eyes, smiling he ran the tip of his tongue down to Jared’s navel. With a wet kiss, “Turn over.”

 

 

 

Jared settled on his stomach, cheek on his folded hands pressing his hard cock against the mattress.  Using both hands, Jensen rubbed up Jared’s back feeling the muscle over bone and back down to his ass. He loved the way Jared’s skin felt. The soft texture and warmth against his palms. The way his defined hipbones filled Jensen’s hands. He moved his hands together over the round buttocks, his thumbs rubbing just inside the crease.

 

 

 

Taking deep breaths, Jensen willed his soft cock to harden.  The chemo was reeking havoc with his libido.  Tonight was about making love to Jared and he knew Jared would be happy with a blowjob, but he wouldn’t.  Looking at the beautiful body laying in front of him, under his hands, desire still pooled in his stomach.  Taking his own cock in his hand, he started stroking, reaching to caress his balls like Jared had always did.  He was startled to realize Jared had turned at the waist and was looking at him.  Jensen leaned up to kiss him.

 

 

 

“I want to touch you,” whispered against Jensen’s lips as Jared’s hand moved up his thigh to his hip.

 

 

 

“I want to make love to you.” Jensen kissed his cheek and smile.

 

 

 

Jared smiled and lay back down on his stomach.

 

 

 

Still stoking himself, Jensen spread Jared’s buttocks. Starting at the top of the crack, kissed slowly down to the pinkish brown hole. The tip of his tongue caressed across it before a wet kiss. He kissed down to the sensitive area behind Jared’s ball, lightly sucking the skin between his teeth.  Jared spread his legs further and pushed back toward Jensen as he kissed back up to his hole.  Biting and licking at the hole, Jensen’s cock was starting to harden to his relief. 

 

 

 

Jared reached back to squeeze Jensen’s shoulder as his tongue continued to lick across his hole.  His teeth bit into the sheets the fingers of his other hand gripped. His cock leaking as the warm tongue moved over him, inside him. This was fine, knowing Jensen wanted him, loved him was enough pleasure.  He wouldn’t ask for any more.

 

 

 

His hip was being pulled on. He realized Jensen wanted him on his back.  He watched mesmerized as Jensen’s hand moved over his own cock, making himself hard. Moaned as Jensen licked the smeared cum below his navel. Gentle kisses to his ball. Licks and kisses on his cock head. Jensen’s lips curled tightly around him, moving, caressing. His leg pushed up to his chest. Feeling Jensen’s cock head rub over his hole, warm cum mixing with lube.

 

 

 

Slow push in, Jensen knew his cock was not hard enough. It didn’t matter. Hands moved around his waist, down his back to cup his ass. Gentle pull to keep Jensen moving deeper inside him.  Smile and eyes told him what he needed to know. Jared felt he was being made love to.  It was that more than the warmth of Jared’s body that made Jensen’s cock harder. Made his thrusts stronger, faster.  Hands still. Eyes never broke contact as only their hips moved against each other.

 

 

 

Jared’s orgasm rolled up his spine as his ass clinched around Jensen.  It was seeing pleasure in Jared’s eyes that made Jensen cum inside him.

 

 

 

A long deep kiss because mere words were not enough.

 

 

 

TBC

 

 

 

 


	17. Chapter 17

 

 

Chapter 17

 

 

 

Jensen’s three week post chemo check up went well.  His white blood count was good. There were no sign of cancer cells. He was eating more and had put on some weight. Jared found a macrobiotic diet on the Internet. A steady diet of gains, organic fruits and vegetables had Jensen ready to claw his way into a McDonald’s.  His mother never made him eat so healthy. Dr. Beaver was cautiously optimistic that Jensen would recover.

 

 

 

And his libido came back with a vengeance.  He felt hard and thick and couldn’t keep his hands off Jared. They made love like two over eager fifteen-year-old boys.  When Jared told Jensen he wanted to be inside him, he flopped over onto his back and spread his legs. Occasionally it was hands moving over skin, just touching. Sometimes it was Jared proving to himself that Jensen was still here, still with him.

 

 

 

To Jensen’s dismay the rest of his hair fell out. To Jared’s delight fuzz started growing. He couldn’t keep his hands from rubbing Jensen’s head, loving the fine prickly hair on his palms. 

 

 

 

Jensen started playing with the band again.  When Steve suggested that Chris continue with them playing keyboards, Jensen felt a pang of jealousy-like the band had decided they didn’t really need him.  Then he thought about how Chris was there to help both him and Jared and voted for him to stay.  Jensen was still winded after a gig, but figured he just had to get back into shape of performing.

 

 

 

Steve decided he was tired of waiting for a record deal and started his own label.  The band recorded one of Jensen’s songs, and he and Jared drove around the hills of LA with the CD blaring.  They found a secluded spot where Jensen honored his muse with a long slow blowjob.

 

 

 

*******

 

“Let’s go to the beach.”

 

 

 

Jared looked over at Jensen with surprise. “It’s one in the morning.”

 

 

 

“I want to go to the beach,” he smiled.  Jensen had always been restless after a gig.  He was hyped up on the adrenaline of performing and the crowd so it took a while to wind down. Since Jensen was driving, Jared had little choice but to go with him.

 

 

 

Spring was just turning into summer and it was a beautiful night for LA.  The beach was empty. Waves gently rolled in, white foam sparkling in the moonlight.  They left their shoes in the car and walked across the soft sand.  Just before they reached to water, Jensen stopped and stripped down.  Grinning over his shoulder, Jensen ran into the water and jumped into a wave looking like an alien had dropped by for a swim.   Jared stared at him, then undressed and ran into the warm Pacific.

 

 

 

They swam and rode the waves.  Laughter filled the air. Jared started singing the theme from Jaws and chased Jensen who mock screamed and tried to get away.  When shark Jared caught Jensen, he pulled him is for a long kiss. Every time a wave hit them, their arms tighten around each other.  Breaths hot on cooled skin. Lips parted so tongues could lick and intertwine.

 

 

 

Jared spun Jensen around so his back was against Jared’s chest. His hands caressed slowly across Jensen’s chest. Lightly touching the scars before moving down his stomach. One hand gently cupped Jensen’s balls, thumb rubbing in circles along the round shapes.  The other hand began to stoke the hardening cock. “I love it when you’re hard,” Jared whispered in Jensen’s ear. “I love knowing I’m the only one who gets you that way.”

 

 

 

Jensen’s head rested back on Jared’s shoulder as his hands circled around to hold Jared’s ass cheeks pulling his hips closer. He pushed back as the force of the waves made Jared’s cock move along his crack.

 

 

 

“And the way you look at me when you’re on stage. Like you want me to come up on stage so you can pull my pants down and suck my cock.” Jensen moaned in his throat. He didn’t know why Jared decided it was fun to talk dirty, but it was turning out to be a nice kink. “When you look at my ass, I know you’re thinking of my tight hole and how nice it fits around your big cock.”

 

 

 

Jensen couldn’t stand it any more and turned in Jared’s arms. He forced his tongue into Jared’s mouth. Their hips moved with the rush of the waves, rubbing their hard cocks together.

 

 

 

Between Jensen suddenly pushing Jared toward the beach and the waves, their feet tangled up and they fell in the shallow water.  They crawled up to the soft wet sand at the water’s edge, rose up on their knees, lips and hands finding the other.

 

 

 

“I want to be inside you,” Jensen whispered against Jared’s lips.

 

 

 

Jared spread his knees and pulled one of Jensen’s hands between his thighs.  Jensen felt his fingers pressed against Jared’s hole.

 

 

 

“We don’t have any lube.” Jensen was starting to pant as his fingertips felt the fine hair around the hole.

 

 

 

“Just go slow.” Jared’s fingers caressed along Jensen’s. He moaned as one finger slowly entered him. Jared rubbed his forehead against Jensen’s forehead. He smiled, “One more.”

 

 

 

A second finger entered Jared. Jensen slowly worked the two fingers in and out, spreading them as his tongue moved in Jared’s mouth. The waves rolled around their knees. Jared stroked Jensen’s cock, careful to rub the pre-cum along the length.

 

Jensen felt himself being pushed back by Jared’s weight. The wet sand felt cool to his back. Waves rolled across his legs and up along his sides. Jared straddled his hips. The moonlight defined the curves of Jared’s body.

 

 

 

Slow tight pressure on his cock. Drops of water from wet hair fell on his body. His fingers curl around handful of wet sand. Puffs of breath warmed his skin. A moan above him, a last push and he was in Jared.

 

 

 

It was painful, not enough cum for lube. He relished the pain; it meant Jensen was under him, inside him.  His lips moved between the scars to a spot over Jensen’s heart.  He felt the heart beat against his lips. Gently he kissed and sucked at the spot, as his hips started moving. A sigh as he felt Jensen’s hand move across his shoulder to his hair.

 

 

 

Deep long wet kisses. Arms encircled the other. Heels dug into the wet sand as hips thrust up. Thighs pressed tight against ribs trying to find a hold against the waves.  Jared pressed his face into Jensen’ s throat forcing his chin up, his head back into the sand. His hips pushed down on the cock inside him. Breathed deep Jensen’s unique smell mixed with his own cum and ocean.  Jensen trembled under him as warmth spread deep in his body.  He pulled one hand from under Jensen and laid it between the scars feeling the heart beat slow.

 

 

 

After washing each other in the outgoing tide, they walked up the beach to their clothes.

 

 

 

 “What are you doing?”

 

 

 

“Spreading out the clothes so we can dry off,” Jensen said.

 

 

 

“We can’t wear wet clothes home!”

 

 

 

Jensen pick up their boxers and laid them aside. “We can wear our boxers home. No one will see us.”

 

 

 

Jared smiled as he lay down next to Jensen on the bed of clothes. Soon he was sound asleep.  Jensen rested his head on his arm and looked at the sky. The moon was close to the horizon. A white line reflected on the water to the beach. The sky was turning from black to a dark blue.  They would have to leave soon. This was one of those perfect nights that when he thought of it, no matter where he was or how old, he would always be back on the beach with Jared.

 

*****

 

Something was shaking him. Jensen opened his eyes and saw a panicked look on Jared’s face. Just as he was about to ask what was wrong, he saw the cop over Jared’s shoulder.

 

 

 

“Get up and get dressed. This is a public beach.”

 

 

 

It was early so only they and the cop were on the beach. Sea gulls were flying overhead looking for breakfast. Jensen and Jared quickly started to dress as the cop stood watching with folded arms.  Jared turned in time to see a look of repulsion pass over the cop’s face. He was staring at Jensen’s scared chest as he was pulling up his pants. Jared stepped between them making the cop look at him, then Jared turned around and gave the cop a good look at his ass.

 

 

 

They walked to their car as they pulled their t-shirts on. Once they were in the car, they started laughing.

 

 

 

 

 

TBC

 

 


	18. Chapter 18

Jensen was making coffee as Jared dressed to go to work.  He was cast in a guest role on a popular TV series  and loved learning from the lead not only acting tips, but how to deal with a large crew.  Jensen had his own exciting morning planned. It was his three-month check up and he felt good. 

  
Jared stride into the kitchen.  “I wish I was going to the doctor’s with you.”

 

“It’s just a check up.” Jensen handed him the travel cup with coffee mixed with plenty of sugar.

 

“Be sure and tell him about the cough.”

 

Jensen nodded. He had picked up a cough.  It was from playing in bars when the chemo made his immunity system low.  It was just a bug he told Jared. He told himself.

 

“I’ll call you as soon as I see Dr. Beaver.”

 

Jared kissed him and was out the door.  With a cough, Jensen went into the bedroom to get ready for his appointment.

 

Between the cough and the wheezing Dr. Beaver was worried.  “I’m going to send you for a chest x-ray.”

 

Now Jensen was worried. “Why?”

 

“Let’s see what the x-ray and blood tests come back with.” Dr. Beaver looked at the worried expression on Jensen’s face. “Cancer can spread to the lungs.”

 

“I thought chemo was suppose to prevent the cancer from spreading!”

 

“Jensen, when cancer recurs, it can be more aggressive. Let’s see what the test say.”

 

His cell phone vibrated.  It was Jared calling to see how his check up went.  He couldn’t answer it because he didn’t know what to say. Neither one could go through another round of chemo.

 

“Mr. Ackles, you can come back,” a too cheerful nurse said from the doorway.

 

Another doctor was sitting with Dr. Beaver as Jensen entered the office.  He felt his heart stop, his mouth go dry.

 

“Jensen this is Dr. Misha Collins. I asked him to consult on the chest x-ray.”  Jensen shook hands and sat down.

 

Dr. Beaver took a deep breath, “The chest x-ray confirmed cancer has spread to the lungs. Dr. Collins specializes in lung cancer and he will be taking over your case.”

 

“Now what? More surgery?” Jensen was amazed that he got it out. His cell phone vibrated in his pocket.

 

“No.” Jensen turned to Dr. Collins. “Cancer has spread to both lungs so surgery is not an option. It is very hard to detect lung cancer in an early stage because of the air pockets.  Since only three months have passed between treatment and now, chances are the cancer had spread before your second mastectomy. I read your file and know that you just finished a round a chemo. Unfortunately chemo doesn’t always work with aggressive cancer.”

 

“What kind of treatment do you suggest?”

 

“Because the cancer is advanced, there is very little we can do to stop the cell growth. Chemo may slow it down, but most likely will destroy your immunity system, only making it easier for an opportunistic infection to make you sicker.”

 

“So there’s nothing you can do?” Tears coming to his eyes.

 

“We can try another round of chemo starting in two weeks.” Dr. Collins looked sympathy. “But in my opinion, it will not buy you more time.”

 

He hadn’t thought about time. “How much time?”

 

“At the best a few months. At the worst a couple of months.” Dr. Collins laid his hand on Jensen’s arm. “We can give you medications to help you over the worst systems, but I recommend you spend this time living your life.”

*****

Jensen sat in his truck staring out the windshield. His cell phone vibrating on the seat beside him. Instead of pieces cut away, he was being eaten from the inside out. He should cry. Rage. All he felt was cold numbness like he was watching everything happen from a distance. After a couple of hours, he started the truck.

*****

Concern was turning to anger.  He left the tenth message on Jensen’s voice mail. “Where are you? Call me back. Just let me know you are all right. Jensen, whatever the doctor said, we will get through it.”  His concentration was blown. The other actors asked if they could do something in the scene to help out.  He said no and tried to stay in character.

 

When he finally wrapped for the day, he went to the bungalow. Jensen wasn’t there and looked like he hadn’t been back all day. He drove to Reid’s.  The band had a gig there.  Since no one had called from the band, he hoped Jensen was with them.

*****

You don’t sleep with a guy for a couple of years and not know how to read him.

“Is everything all right?” Chris asked Jensen.

 

Jensen shrugged. He was helping set up the instruments for the show.  He knew Chris could read him like a book. Always could. If he told Chris, it would paralyze him.

 

Jared burst through the back door of the club. The employees knew him, but even they were caught off guard at the vibe from him.

 

Walking to Jensen, “We need to talk.”

 

“Now is not the time Jared.”

 

“We talk in private or we talk here.” The anger in his voice caused everyone to stop what they were doing and look at him and Jensen.

 

Jensen led him back to the dressing room and shut the door.

 

“I’ve been out of my mind with worry and calling you for hours. Why didn’t you call me and let me know what the doctor said?” He knew he should stay calm, but his imagination was making him panic.

 

“Jared, I need to get through this evening. Please just wait until we get home.” He was barley keeping his emotions in check. If he said the words, he would never get control again.

 

“Jensen what has happened? Please just tell me.” Fear replaced anger. “After what we’ve been through….”

 

“The cancer spread to my lungs.” It was out of his mouth before he thought it. He felt control slip way. The numbness fade. His heart broke in his chest. “It isn’t operable and…..” Jared’s heart was beating against his. Eyes pressed against Jared’s neck as tears finally fell. Arms tightened as Jensen’s body shook with sobs.

*****

After the show, they went home without explanation to the band.  Jensen took a shower trying to wash the day off him. The numbness was back. He dried off and put on clean boxers and a t-shirt. 

 

He was pouring whiskey into a glass. He had already drunk too much at Reid’s but the pleasant buzz wasn’t happening, so something stronger was needed. 

 

Jared walked into the kitchen with his laptop.“I did some research and found clinics in Mexico and Germany that deal with alterative treatments for cancer. They’ve had good results with diet and herbs on the body’s immune system.” Jared was talking fast like he had to get everything he found out in two minutes. “I think we need to make an appointment for the one in Mexico and have you looked at.”

 

Jensen stared at him in disbelief. “You seriously think a coffee enema is going to cure me?”

 

“I think we need to look into every possibility. Jensen you sound like you’ve given up. That Dr. whatever-the-hell-is-his –name can’t be wrong. Maybe you should get a second opinion.”

 

Jensen started to cough, he was getting upset. Once it past, “I am not going to chase every half assed scheme.”

 

“I’m not asking you to chase every half assed scheme. I’m asking you to look into alterative medicine. Chemo didn’t help! Beaver didn’t find this when he did the surgery! WHY AREN’T YOU GETTING ANGRY?!”

 

“WHAT GOOD WILL THAT DO, JARED? WHAT GOOD WILL ANY OF THIS DO?!”

 

“IT MIGHT GIVE YOU THE BALLS TO FIGHT?!”

 

Finally the alcohol was kicking in. He was drunk and angry. Angry that the cancer wasn’t stopped. Angry that two bastard with medical degrees couldn’t do shit to help him. Angry  he was dying. The word bounced around in his head like a ball bounced off walls. Coughs racked his body. He couldn’t breathe.

 

Jared’s anger dissipated when Jensen slumped on the counter coughing, face red, gasping like he couldn’t breathe. “Jensen!” He ran toward him.

 

Jensen pushed Jared away when he tried to touch him. “Don’t,” it came out a strained whispered. He didn’t want to be held and told it was all right because it wasn’t and never would be. Suddenly something was coming up his throat. He grabbed a towel and coughed into it. Finally the coughing stopped and he pulled away the towel. He stared at the dark red stain on it. He looked up at Jared and saw his shocked scared look mirrored back.

*****

The screeching alarm was like a cheese grater on his nerves. With a click, it stopped and the sweaty warmth was back wrapped around him. They meant to make love but just ended up naked in bed. Jared was still most of the night and sometimes his body shook as he tried to muffle the tears. Jensen was sure if he kissed Jared’s cheek all he would taste was tears.

 

“You need to get up,” as the alarm screeched for the third time, noticing the monotone of his own voice.

 

When Jared left the bed, Jensen rolled over to lie on his back. He listened to himself breathe.

 

TBC

 

 

 

 

  



	19. Chapter 19

Fingertips barely touched skin as they moved across a hipbone. Jared was slowly kissing down Jensen’s neck when his head was jerked up. Jensen pressed his lips against Jared’s shoving his tongue hard into his mouth. Jared let out a gasp of surprise as he was roughly pushed away. 

 

 

 

Jensen sat up naked on the edge of the bed. He looked over his shoulder at Jared. “You don’t touched me for ….now you act like you’re touching a dead man.”

 

 

 

Jared stared in disbelief as Jensen pulled his boxers on. “What? No!” Jensen turned, his anger clear on his face. “I understand…..”

 

 

 

“No you don’t understand.”

 

 

 

“Then tell me!” Jared moved off the bed and found his boxers.

 

 

 

“Your cancer was an inconvenience.”

 

 

 

Jared recoiled like he had been slapped across the face then he got angry. “It was not an inconvenience.”

 

 

 

“ALL YOU LOST WAS A BALL JARED!  CUT ONE OFF AND YOU’RE CURED. I HAD MY CHEST CUT OUT,” Jensen breath quicken as his eyes filled with tears, “it’s still inside me.” Jared moved toward him as he started coughing. Jensen knocked his hand off. “Don’t touch me.”

 

 

 

“Jensen calm down.”

 

 

 

The coughing subsided but left Jensen winded. “I can’t stand the way you hover over me, like you’re waiting for me to die. I want you to leave.” Jared didn’t move. “GET DRESSED AND LEAVE!”  Another round of coughing started.

 

 

 

Jared dressed and left. He felt sick and drove slowly wiping at his eyes. At a stoplight, a horn blew from a car next to him. Looking over, he saw Chris in the next lane. He looked around, he was on a busy street and no memory of how he got there.

 

 

 

Chris’ smile faded when he saw the look on Jared’s face. Jensen wasn’t in the car, so Chris blew the horn again. Jared didn’t look over, just drove away when the light turned green. Chris cut off the guy behind Jared.  He dialed Jared’s number on his cell phone.

 

 

 

Jared checked his cell’s I.D. window and saw it was Chris. He turned off the cell phone.

 

 

 

When he got Jared’s voice mail for the third time, Chris started flashing his lights. Fortunately a light turned red catching Jared.  Chris jumped out of his car and ran up to Jared’s and pounded on the window.

 

 

 

“PULL OVER INTO THAT PARKING LOT!” Chris point to a lot on the over side of the light.

 

 

 

Once they were safely in the parking lot, they got out of their cars.

 

 

 

“What the hell is the matter Jared? Where is Jensen?”

 

 

 

“We had a fight. He’s at home.”

 

 

 

“Over what?” Chris stared at him. He had a few fights with Jensen himself . “Listen, when Jensen gets mad he lashes out, but then it’s over. Something else happen.” Then it hit Chris like a punch to the gut. “The cancer’s back.” He said it so low Jared wasn’t’ sure he heard it over the traffic.

 

 

 

“He doesn’t want anyone to know yet.” Jared said with a sob.

 

 

 

Chris wrapped his arms tight around Jared. He could tell how bad it was by the way Jared hugged him back. Pulling back, Chris reached into his pocket for his keys. “This is the key for my apartment. Take it.” When Jared hesitated, “you don’t need to be out driving.”

 

As soon as Jensen got his emotions under control, it set in what he had done. He called Jared’s cell and after the outgoing message, “I’m so sorry.  Please come home.  I didn’t mean…. please come home.”  He waited

 

 Pacing the floor holding the phone, “Jared, please call or come home. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have said those things.”  He pulled the phone back and coughed. “I love you.” 

 

He looked at the time and dialed the phone again. “Call and let me know you’re alright. Tell me where you are and I’ll come to you.” He felt his chest tighten. “I need…..” Then he heard a car drive up in front of the bungalow.

 

 

 

Jensen opened the door and saw Chris get out of his car. He turned to go back into the house to get dressed. Chris shut the door and waited in the living room.

 

 

 

“What happened?” Chris asked as Jensen entered the living room buttoning his shirt. Jensen stopped and looked at him surprised. “I saw Jared earlier. He’s upset and you’re upset. Want to tell me what happened?”

 

 

 

He hated Chris’ steady gaze, it seemed to look right through him. “I had a check up.” He paused. “The cancer spread to both my lungs so surgery is out. The doctors think the cancer is resistant to chemo. Instead of dealing with it, Jared tiptoes around it, I tell myself it isn’t true. Tonight we were….I took it all out on Jared.”

 

 

 

Chris stepped closer and pulled Jensen into a hug. It broke his heart to the point he could barely speak. “He’s at my place.” Jensen pulled back to look at him, “go.” Jensen kissed his lips in gratitude and left. Chris hadn’t cry since Jensen told him it was over.

 

 

 

Jensen parked in front of the apartment building. Chris lived in one of the older complexes with the pool in front of the buildings. Because of the stairs, he had to catch his breath before knocking on the door.

 

 

 

“I’m sorry,” he said when Jared opened the door. 

 

 

 

Jared stepped aside and Jensen entered the small apartment. After shutting the door, Jared said, “I got your messages. How could you speak to me like that after everything?” Hurt and anger clear in his voice.  

 

 

 

 “When you touched me tonight, the anger and despair I been trying to control rushed over me,” Jensen said remorsefully.

 

 

 

 “All I want to do is touch you because I worry how much longer I’ll get to.” Jared sadly looked at him.

 

 

 

“That’s just it,” Jensen stepped closer and took Jared’s hands in his. “I don’t want to make love like it’s the last time.  I want to make love like we use to. Because we couldn’t stand to be separate any longer, the joy of our mouths and hands on each other. This spend everyday like it’s the last crap is for people who have years. I don’t have years, I don’t even have months and I don’t want to spend that time dying.  I want to spend it living with you and the band.”

 

 

 

As Jensen leaned in to kiss him, Jared stopped him with a hand on his chest.  “Never say anything about my cancer again.”

 

 

 

“I’m ashamed of myself for saying that. I’m sorry,” Every time Jensen looked at Jared, he was torn between being happy the man he loved beat the disease and jealous that Jared had beat the disease and would spend the rest of his life with someone else.

 

 

 

“Never again Jensen.” 

 

 

 

“Never again,” he promised. Jensen wrapped his arms around Jared. “I love you,” he whispered.

 

 

 

Jared hugged him tight. “I love you.”

 

 

 

They stood holding each other. Feeling the other’s body, feeling the other’s breath on their necks. Jensen slowly kissed across Jared’s jaw, rough whiskers under his lips, until he reached Jared’s mouth for a kiss of love and only a moment of sadness.

 

 

 

Jensen led Jared to the bedroom and sat down on the bed with Jared between his legs. Jared pulled his t-shirt over his head as Jensen kissed the crease of his defined hip. His lips caressed over Jared’s stomach to the soft hairs under his navel.  Jensen undid Jared’s jeans and pulled them down. He slowly kissed up the hard cock in front of him.

 

 

 

Jared laid his hand on the top of Jensen, rubbing his fingertips across the short stiff hair, glad that Jensen decided to keep the fuzzy haircut. A deep moan as Jensen’s warm mouth moved down on him. He spread his legs as Jensen’s hand moved between his legs. With his other hand he reached behind to meet Jensen’s fingers. Together their fingers, not penetrating, just moved, caressed, over his hole. Jared looked down at Jensen. Eyes closed, mouth slowly moving along Jared’s cock like he was savoring every inch.

 

 

 

 

 

The need to touch, kiss Jensen’s body was overwhelming. He pulled away and dropped to his knees. Shoes untied and socks pulled off.  Hands rubbed the top of Jensen’s feet. Kiss, lick down Jensen’s neck. Wet kisses on skin as each button opened, down thighs as jeans pulled off.

 

 

 

 

 

Jensen scooted further onto the bed as Jared rose up to crawl between his legs. Their hard cocks caught between them, precum easing the thrusts. Kisses wet, deep and long. Tongues licked and intertwined. Moans deep.

 

 

 

Jared rolled Jensen onto his stomach. Hands slowly moved down his back as his lips followed. He bit at the freckles on Jensen’s ass with his lips. Spreading apart the cheeks Jared licked at the tight hole, wetting it. Kissed down to the back of Jensen’s balls, licked back up the hole.

 

 

 

“Do you think Chris has anything?”

 

 

 

Jensen leaned over to the bedside table and dug around in a drawer. With a grin, he pulled out a tube of KY. 

 

 

 

Jared turned Jensen over on his back and squirted some lube in his hand. “Get me ready,” as he handed the lube back to Jensen.  He then turned and straddled Jensen’s head.  Bending down, Jared took Jensen’s cock into his mouth as one lubed finger pushed into the tight hole. His tongue moved as up and down the ridge as another finger entered Jensen.

 

 

 

Soft hair tickled his lips as he pressed wet kisses on Jared’s pinkish hole. Short licks with his tongue. A gentle bite on one ass cheek as Jared’s fingers entered him. Jensen took a moment to enjoy Jared’s mouth on his cock, his fingers inside him. He spread lube on his fingers and as his fingers entered Jared, he felt the vibrations on his cock from Jared’s moan. His tongue caressed the scar before pulling the round ball into his mouth. More lube as two fingers stretched Jared.

 

 

 

Then Jared moved off him and in between his legs. Slicking up his cock, Jared slowly pushed into Jensen. He needed to feel Jensen, be inside him and have him inside. Jensen held on to Jared’s arm with one hand and gripped the sheet with the other.  His thighs squeezed Jared’s hips. “Open your eyes. Look at me.” Jensen looked at Jared’s tear filled eyes. Jared just slowly thrust into Jensen. He knew this wasn’t what Jensen wanted, but this was what he needed. To feel how much he loved Jensen, to feel his heart break.

 

 

 

Jensen reached up and put his palms on either side of Jared’s face, his thumbs gently wiped the tears off Jared’s face. He felt his own tears slide down his temples. His hips moved to meet Jared’s thrusts.

 

 

 

Jared pulled out to move up to straddle Jensen’s hips and pushed back until Jensen was inside him. Jensen flipped them so Jared was on his back, wrapping his legs around Jensen’s hips. He thrust deep into Jared. His cheek against Jared’s wet cheek, their tears mixing together.  At that moment, he knew cancer had did it’s worst; it was taking him away from the person he loved most.

 

 

 

They laid curled up together, Jared’s head on Jensen’s shoulder. As he ran his fingers through Jared’s long hair, Jensen decided he couldn’t choose when he would die, but he could choose how he would die.

 

 

 

TBC

 

 


	20. Chapter 20

The best part about running with strangers was, except for making sure not to run into each other, everyone ignored him. While they were wrapped up in music and dogs, he was wrapped up in his thoughts. He started running at the reservoir as a way to relieve stress.  Soon it became a place where he could deal with his emotions.  Get it all out here so he could be strong for Jensen.

 

When he couldn’t run anymore, he walked up to the wooded area and sat down on the leaves. He was on the Internet daily doing research when Jensen first got sick, so he should have known.  Instead of asking Jensen if he was all right, he should have dragged him to the doctor at the first cough. Maybe it wouldn’t have changed things, but maybe…. He wiped his face with the towel he carried in the waistband of his shorts.  The sweat mixed with tears burned his eyes.  Sometimes he would plan how to find a magical cure. Occasionally he would rage at the disease and bad doctors.  Mostly he would sit with his head in his hands and cry.

 

Jensen sat in the living room/music studio working on new songs with his guitar.  Every night he went to sleep feeling sick with uncertainty and every morning woke feeling hopeless.  At random moments during the day, he would give in to the rage. It all poured into his songs.  And then there were the love songs he would leave for Jared.  That was only time he would allow himself to cry because he needed to get Jared through this.

 

He wiped his eyes when he heard a car out front. Jared came in the bungalow, his t-shirt damp with sweat. 

 

“Someone smells manly,” Jensen grinned after a kiss.

 

“Watch it or I’ll find someone who appreciates my manly smell.” Jared gasped in disbelief that came out of his mouth and felt immediately ashamed. Without looking at Jensen, he turned and went into the kitchen. How could you say something so stupid he berated himself.  If Jensen weren’t sick then it would have been laughed off as a lame joke, but not now.

 

“Jared.”

 

Turning quickly because he couldn’t look at Jensen standing in the kitchen’s doorway, Jared opened the refrigerator for a bottle of water. Arms encircled his waist pulling him back in a hug.

 

“It’s alright.” Jensen kissed the back of his neck.

 

“It was a stupid thing to say.”

 

“I've missed your sense of humor.” Jared could feel the smile on his skin. With a pat on Jared’s stomach, “Let’s get you cleaned up.”

 

Footsteps faded before Jared could turn around.

 

The sound of the water filling the tub filled the hallway. Jensen was already standing naked in the tub when Jared entered the bathroom.  He hurried and stripped out of his sweaty clothes. Resting a hand on Jensen’s shoulder, Jared stepped into the tub facing him.

 

Jensen turned him around to face the tile. Jared felt shampoo poured on his head then Jensen’s fingers washed his hair, massaged his scrape. It not only felt good but also relaxed him. Warm water poured over his head as Jensen’s fingers worked through his long hair, rinsing away the shampoo.

 

He was turned back around to face Jensen who smiled at him as he poured shower gel on a soft washcloth. “Close your eyes. Keep them closed” His face was gently washed, the cloth moved over his jaw, down along the front and sides of his neck.  He heard the washcloth rinsed out before it was it caressed, that’s what it felt like, over his face and neck.

 

Jensen washed his arms then the cloth moved over his chest, gently across his nipples until they were hard. Then the washcloth moved in circles slowly down his chest and across his hips.  Jensen’s bare hand moved down his arms and chest helping the water rinse away the soap. Only warm water touched on his semi-hard cock and ball.

 

With a gentle push on his hip, Jensen turned Jared again. The soft washcloth moved across his shoulders and down his back. Gentle up and down monitions. Warm water made his muscles twitch as it ran down his back.  He heard splashing as Jensen kneeled in the water. The soft washcloth moved over slowly over his ass cheeks. He could feel the heat from Jensen’s hand as his cheeks were parted and the cloth caressed over his hole. His legs spread further apart as his hole and crease were washed. He felt puffs of Jensen’s breath on ass cheeks.  Pleasure ticked up his spine.  The cloth moved down his thighs and legs. Then starting at the top of his ass, warm water was poured down his crease and over his ass and legs.

 

“Turn around.” Jared kept his eyes closed as he turned back.  Water was poured down the front of his legs.  “Running has made your legs look good and strong,” as a hand moved from the top of his thighs down to each ankle. 

 

Jared gasped as the washcloth was wrapped around his cock. The gel let the washcloth slide easily up to the head and back down. Jared braced one hand on the tile wall and fingers of his other hand gripped the curtain rod.  He moaned deep in his throat as Jensen continued to move the washcloth slowly up and down. Then the washcloth caressed his ball, gently rolling it.  Jared lifted a leg to rest his foot on the side of the tub, opening himself to Jensen. 

 

His fingers gripped the curtain rod harder as the washcloth moved behind his ball to rub over his hole. Jensen’s panting breath blew puffs of warm air on his wet stomach and cock.  His moans echoed off the tile sounding loud to his ears. The washcloth started to feel rough as one finger moved it over his hole, pressing harder. Jared’s head went back as his hips started thrusting counter to how the finger moved. Jared knew by the way Jensen was breathing, he was watching him. Jared opened his eyes and looked down into green eyes. Jensen’s finger never stopped moving over his hole. With only Jensen’s breath on his cock, Jared came with a deep moan.  

 

As they lay curled together in bed, Jensen breathed in the clean scent of life.

 

 

 

  



	21. Chapter 21

Jensen was on new medication to help keep his lungs clear of mucus and one of the side effects was a lost of appetite.  Lately if Jensen ate at all, it was because Jared nagged him, not because he was hungry. Jared bought a book on making soups and hopefully Jensen would be more cooperative.

 

 

 

Jared was standing in the vegetable section at the grocery store when his cell rang. “Hi Eric,” he said after checking the I.D. window. 

 

 

 

“Guess who called? I can’t believe who called!”

 

 

 

“Who called?” Jared chuckled at this manager/agent’s excited tone.

 

 

 

“Langeford.”

 

 

 

Jared’s mouth dropped open in shock. “Who?” Martin Langeford was a director that Jared had long admired, and was a director known for making stars out of actors.

 

 

 

“Martin freaking Langeford. Well, the casting director of his new film. She wants you to come in for an audition and have a meeting with Marty,” Eric loved to drop nicknames of famous people.

 

 

 

He felt he was hyperventilating and really needed to sit down.  If anyone had told him that Martin freaking Langeford would ever call and…. “When does the film shoot? Is it in LA?”

 

 

 

“It shoots October through December 15 in New Jersey.”

 

 

 

“Eric I can’t do it.”

 

 

 

“What do you mean you can’t do it?” Eric roared. “You have nothing booked. I’m sorry did I forget to mention this is Langeford?”

 

 

 

Jared’s hand gripped the handle of his cart. He couldn’t leave Jensen to go to New Jersey. Suppose he got sicker or di….  Jared heart stopped at the thought. “I can’t go on location. Maybe if it filmed in LA.”  He couldn’t tell Eric. Jensen didn’t want anyone to know yet.

 

 

 

Eric was so quiet that Jared wondered if he had hung up. “Listen,” his voice was much calmer, “go to the audition and meeting.  You may not get the part, but it will keep you on the radar.”

 

 

 

“Eric if he called once, he’ll call again.” Jared didn’t feel good about this.  If he got the part, he would still have to turn it down. Besides he would be wasting Langford’s time and Langeford would know it.

 

 

 

“He won’t call again if he feels insulted, and kid you are in no position to be insulting. Take the rest of the day to think about it and call me before five.”

 

 

 

Jared was sure Eric would drop him when he said no.

 

 

 

Jensen was on the phone when Jared arrived home with the groceries. “Here he is now. I want to tell him.” Jensen handed him the phone, mouthing ‘parents’.

 

 

 

Jared took the phone. “Hello.” Jensen unpacked the groceries. “Good.” He uncomfortably exchanged small talk with Donna and Alan.  Jensen didn’t want to tell them yet. His augment was telling your parents you’re dying wasn’t something said over the phone. When it was time, they would go to Texas and tell them in person.

 

 

 

After they hung up, Jensen smiled at him. “Josh and Ally are pregnant! We’re going to be uncles!”

 

 

 

It had been a long time since Jensen was so happy. Jared laughed as they hugged. Now they had something positive to concentrate on.

 

 

 

That evening Jared was at the counter chopping vegetables for soup when Jensen entered the kitchen.  He has been taking a nap. Jared noticed he tired easily.

 

 

 

“What’cha doing?” Jensen asked as he got a beer out of the fridge. Jared started to say something because of the meds, but didn’t. One beer wouldn’t hurt.

 

 

 

“Making vegetable soup. I didn’t realize how much work it is.”

 

 

 

Jensen got a knife out of the drawer and sat at the counter across from Jared. “I can help chop,” as he reached for the carrots.

 

 

 

The only noise was chopping and occasionally Jensen would cough. Jared was busy with mixing ingredients when it got quiet.  He looked over at Jensen who was sitting still, staring at chopped carrots.

 

 

 

“What’s wrong?” When he didn’t look up, Jared walked over to stand beside him.

 

 

 

Jensen looked up; his eyes were filled with tears. “I’m not going to be the cool uncle.” Jared looked at him puzzled. “I don’t know if I’m going to see the baby.” 

 

 

 

Jared pulled him into his arms and laid his cheek on the top of Jensen’s head, feeling the short hair against his cheek. “The baby is going to hear your music and all about you and will think you’re a cool uncle.” Jensen started to cough, a deep-in-the-chest cough that made Jared winch. He pulled Jensen away from his chest. “I’m going to make sure,” Jared smiled.

 

 

 

 “You better,” Jensen nodded.

 

 

 

Jensen ate a bowl of soup and complimented Jared on his cooking skills.  Jared was just happy to get something down him.  They watched some tv, well Jared watched tv, Jensen laid with his head on Jared’s lap, dosed off and on, sounding a little wheezy. 

 

*****

 

Jared woke with a start. It took a couple of seconds to figure out what woke him.  All he heard was gasping and felt a pull on his arm. Jared turned on a light. Jensen was having trouble breathing, his face pale and eyes unfocused. Jared grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911.

 

 

 

“What is your emergency?”

 

 

 

“Send an ambulance. My partner has lung cancer and can’t breathe.”

 

 

 

“Sir an ambulance is on the way. Is your partner conscious?”

 

 

 

“I think so.”

 

 

 

“Do you know CPR?”

 

 

 

He hadn’t thought of CPR since high school. “I….uh. Yes.”  Jared gently pulled the pillow out from under Jensen’s head. Pinching his nose, Jared blew into his mouth. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Jensen’s chest inflate. Within minutes he heard the siren. He grabbed a t-shirt on his way to open the door.

 

 

 

Once at the hospital, Jared gave them Dr. Collins’ number and as much information as he could and was shown to the waiting room.  He couldn’t stand being there by himself, he was too nervous and scared. He called the first person that came to mind. Chris entered the ER’s waiting room like a force of nature blowing in.  Jared was so happy to see him; he threw his arms around him.

 

 

 

“What happened?” Chris hugged him back.

 

 

 

“He’s been taking medication that is suppose to keep his lungs clear to help him breath, but he couldn’t breathe. What if I hadn’t woken up and he died?”

 

 

 

“Listen to me, Jared. Stop thinking that. You got him to the hospital and he’s going to be alright.”

 

 

 

“Thank you for coming.”

 

 

 

“I’m here for as long as you need.”

 

 

 

After what seemed like hours, Dr. Collins entered the waiting room and sat next to Jared and Chris. “The medication wasn’t strong enough to keep Jensen’s lungs clear of mucus. It was like he was drowning, but he never stopped completely breathing. So we’re lucky for that.” Jared felt an anger spike. THEY were lucky? “I put tubes in his lungs to drain the mucus. Jensen’s sedated and a respirator is helping him breath for now. He’s being moved to ICU.  Go to the fourth floor and they will let you see him as soon as he gets settled.”

 

 

 

For the four days Jensen was in ICU, Chris stayed with Jared, leaving only for a gig and then back for the night. Chris made sure Jared ate and didn’t drink too much coffee. Jared insisted that Chris be allowed to visit Jensen as well.

 

 

 

Once Jensen’s lungs cleared and he was able to breath on his own, he was released from the hospital.  The first thing Jensen did when he got home was take a shower. He dressed in a t-shirt and sweat pants, and then went to find Jared.

 

 

 

It was time.  


TBC

 

 

 

 

 

 


	22. Chapter 22

He clasped his trembling hands together as he looked around the bedroom remembering where and when he got every item. Was this what they meant about life flashing before your eyes?

 

“Everyone’s wondering where you are.”

 

Jensen looked up. He didn’t hear Jared open the bedroom door.

 

“I’m too nervous,” Jensen held out his hand. It wasn’t trembling, it was shaking.

 

Jared came into the room, shutting the door behind him. He sat down beside Jensen on the bed and took the shaking hand between his hands intertwining their fingers. “I’m nervous about their reactions too.”

 

“It’s me I’m worried about, not them,” Jensen said as he wiped his tear filled eyes. “I didn’t know this would be so hard.”

 

It scared Jensen to wake up in the hospital and hear how close he came to suffocating. He realized that he may not have more time and wanted to see his family.  They drove to Dallas so he could figure out how to tell them about his terminal diagnosis. Mackenzie was flying in for the weekend at his request. He wanted to tell everyone at the same time because he couldn’t stand to repeat it.  By the time they arrived, Jensen still had no idea what to say.

 

“They sense something is up because of the sudden visit and coughing.”

 

Jensen nodded, “I know, but I can’t.”

 

“Look at me.” Jensen turned his head. “You need this as much as your family does.”

 

Jared was right. This was as much for him. This was probably the last time he would see them and there was so much to say, and it broke his heart.

 

“I’ll tell them after dinner. I want more time just to be with them.” Jared nodded his understanding.

 

Ally looked beautiful, just starting to show.  Josh smiled ear to ear as he told them they were having a boy.  Dinner was filled with talk about the baby and same ole stuff, but Jensen relished it.  He kept looking at Ally’s small bump, the nephew he would most likely never meet.  Jared was more picking at than eating his food.  Jensen could tell he was tense and squeezed his thigh under the table and smiled when Jared glanced at him. Jared relaxed some and smiled back.

 

After dinner, Jensen asked them to come into the living room. Once everyone was settled and with Jared beside him on the sofa, “I have some news,” Jensen took a deep breath to calm the urge to cough. Jared put his arm around him, holding him tight against his side. “The….the cancer has spread to both my lungs. The doctors agree that chemo and surgery are not options.”

 

“NO!”

 

Jensen looked over at the angry tone. “Dallas Hospital has one of the best cancer treatment centers in the country. I’ll make an appointment tomorrow.”

 

“Dad.”

 

Alan pointed his finger at Jensen. “You are not giving up. There is more than one doctor,” Alan’s voice broke, “we’ll find one who’s up to speed on current treatments.”

 

“I’ve already gotten a second and third opinion and they all agree. When the cancer returned, it was more aggressive. Believe me, if there was a way….”  Jensen was yanked to his feet and into Alan’s arms. Then the rest of the family was around him in tears and hugging him.

 

Jared remained sited on the sofa to let Jensen and his family have their time together.  He looked down at the floor hoping to hide the emotion in his eyes. Strong hands gripped his biceps and pulled him to his feet.  His eyes met Alan’s green eyes. Alan leaned in and kissed Jared on the cheek before wrapping his arms around him.

 

Jensen looked over his mother’s head in surprise, then in appreciation to see Jared in Alan’s arms.

 

*****

Alan pulled the covers up over Donna. She had finally cried herself to sleep. The house was quiet as Alan went downstairs. They had planned to build their dream house the next year and looked forward to retiring and having their children and grandchildren visit all the time. His step faltered as he thought Jensen would always be missing.

 

A light was on in the den. When he went to turn it off, he saw Jensen was sitting cross legged on the old ratty sofa Donna refused to throw away because it was the first thing they brought when they first got married, looking through a photo album.

 

“A man shouldn’t be,” Alan said and as Jensen spoke in unison with him, “alone with his thoughts too long.”

 

They sadly smiled at each other as Alan sat down on the sofa, resting his hand on Jensen’s knee. They looked at the photos together, laughing over shared memories.

 

“Thank you for being so kind to Jared.” Alan looked at him puzzled. “I saw you hug him. All this has been hard on him too.”

 

Alan squeezed Jensen’s hand. “We only get one real love in life and it gives me comfort to know that you have that.”

 

“There’s this director that Jared loves. He can quote word for word every one of this guy’s movies. Jared turned down a chance to work with him because of me. I worry that he won’t remember the best parts of our relationship but that I was a sick boyfriend he had to take care of and missed a really important opportunity.  I love him so much that part of me wants to make him leave because I can’t stand for him to watch me die and part of me can’t stand for him to leave.”

 

“Jared loves you and making him leave is the worst way you could hurt him.” Alan closed the photo album and laid it on the table by the sofa. “Why didn’t you tell us before now?”

 

“Jared begged me to tell you and Mom, but I told myself that I was dealing with it and would know when it was the right time to tell everyone. A couple of weeks ago, I had a bad reaction to medication to keep my lungs clear and was in the hospital.  I realized I was lying to myself. I was ignoring how sick I really am.” Jensen started crying, “Daddy I’m glad I got to tell you how much I love you.” 

 

Alan pulled Jensen into his arms. “I love you,” as he kissed Jensen’s forehead. He should have been angry that he was finding out now that Jensen had been in the hospital, that he was just now finding out that his son was dying. But all he felt was sadness at loosing his beloved son and the only thing he could do was cry with him.

*****

Jensen quietly closed the bedroom door. He was emotionally drained to the point of being numb.  Jared was lying on his stomach asleep, wearing only boxers. Jensen knew he had been restless because the covers were on the floor.  He walked to the bed and looking at Jared before stripping out of his t-shirt and pajama pants. Naked, Jensen straddled Jared’s thighs and rubbed his hands down the strong back.

 

Jared jerked awake. “Jensen?”

 

Pushing him back down on the bed, Jensen started at the top of his spine and kissed down to the boxers’ waistband.  As he pulled the boxers down, he kissed and bit at the round firm cheeks.  Jared gripped the pillow and moaned as he felt a warm wet tongue move over his hole followed by puffs of breathe on the wet skin. The boxers were keeping his from spreading his legs further as he rubbed his hard cock against the soft sheet beneath him.

 

Jensen rose off him and Jared rolled over to see him looking for the lube they left when they came for the wedding. Jared pulled his boxers off, threw them on the floor and spread his legs for Jensen to kneel between them.  He grunted as two fingers pushed into him, spreading his hole. The lube quickly smeared inside him. Before he could realize the fingers were gone, Jensen was pushing into him.

 

“The only time I feel alive is when I’m inside you.” Jensen whispered against Jared’s lips.  He felt Jared’s legs encircle his hips as his arms hugged him close. With each thrust he felt the numbness fade away.

 

TBC

 

 

 

 

 


	23. Chapter 23

 “What time is it?” Jared rubbed his eyes.

 

“9:30.” Jensen finished buttoning his shirt and sat down on the bed beside Jared. 

 

“Where are you going?” Jared sat up to lean against the bed’s headboard. They always moved slow in the morning and only got dressed when they had to.

“I’m going to Dad’s lawyer’s office to make out a will.” Jared’s expression dropped. “Don’t worry I’m leaving my Captain America action figure to you.” Jensen put his hands on his hips and tilted his chin up. “I always thought I was as good looking as the Captain.” Jared attempted to smile.  Jensen relaxed and took Jared’s hand intertwining their fingers. “It’s time to take care of a few things. Listen, it should only take a couple of hours. I’ll come back, pick you up and we’ll go shopping for the baby. Then I’ll buy you lunch at a place that has the best steaks AND chocolate cake in Dallas.”

 

“Sounds like a plan,” Jared squeezed Jensen’s hand.

 

Actually it took a little longer for Jensen to get back. While Jared tied his shoes, Jensen put an official looking envelope in his suitcase. When Jared asked if it was the will, Jensen said they would talk about it later because they had shopping to do. 

 

Dallas boosted of having the biggest Toys R Us in Texas and it was no lie. As they walked down the front isle, “We should look at the Fisher Price stuff.”

Jensen stopped in his tracks and turned to look at Jared. “Fisher Price is what grandparents are for.  Educational toys are what parents are for.  Fun toys are what uncles are for.”

“Fine, but we should find something age appropriate.”

Pointing his finger at Jared, “Don’t say age appropriate again. Come on,” Jensen said in a firm tone.

 

They walked up and down isles looking at toys that made loud noises with flashing lights, robots that walked and talked in four languages, action figures of characters neither had ever heard of, and the classics that every boy loved: cowboys and army toys.  Jensen insisted they play with the toys to make sure there were no sharp edges or parts that easily came off.  Every time a salesperson walked by, Jared was sure they would be scolded for playing with the toys, but the salesperson chuckled and walked on.

As they walked around a corner, Jensen stopped so suddenly that Jared ran into him. “The perfect uncle gift.”

In front of them was a display of small cars that children could drive.  Instead of petals to make the car move, a rechargeable battery was where the engine would be in a full size car.  The cars were two seaters and came in mustang convertible or traditional convertible models.

 “Jensen, he wouldn’t be able to play with it until he’s five years old!”

“An Ackles have a reputation to up hold. All the neighborhood girls will be impressed.” Jensen took a step closer to Jared. “Or maybe he’ll be more interested in impressing the neighborhood boys,” placing a kiss on Jared’s neck under his jaw.  Jared looked at him surprised. Jensen didn’t do public displays of affection.

A salesperson appeared out of thin air, “may I help you with anything?”

Jensen smiled at her. “Yes you can. Do you have a red mustang in stock?”

Since the little car was too large for the big car they were driving, Jensen arranged for it to be delivered to Josh’s house.  As Jensen drove through town, he showed Jared his old stomping grounds until he pulled into a warehouse complex. They stopped in front of a red brick building with a ‘Furniture by Ty’ sign.  

Jared had met Ty at the wedding and knew Jensen and Ty became best friends in the first grade and remained so until Jensen moved to LA with Chris. Because of long distance and life, they had only kept in touch occasionally, but when they got together it was obvious they were still best friends.  

 

A buzzer sounded when Jensen and Jared walked through the large entrance. The building smelled of fresh cut wood and a saw sounded somewhere deep in the building. Pieces of handmade furniture were arranged as a showroom.  Ty’s reputation as a master carpenter was well earned. 

Hey Buddy.”

They turned to see Ty dressed in an old Dallas Cowboys sweatshirt that had seen better days and jeans.

“Hey Pal.” Jensen smiled as he hugged Ty. Jared could tell Ty knew by the intensity and length of the hug.

Hey Jared.” Ty gave him the shake-hands-one-arm-I-don’t-really-know-you hug. Turning to Jensen, “after you called this morning, I made some drawings and pick a couple of wood samples.”  He led them over to a large toy box made of oak. “This is the general size. It's long enough to fit against the foot of a twin bed. I can make it longer or taller if you want.”

The toy box had different kinds of tree leaves carved into the wood.  Jensen and Jared ran their hands over the smooth red wood. It was a beautiful piece of work.  They followed Ty into his office.

“Here is what I came up with,” Ty unfolded the drawing.  The toy box he designed had musical notes and guitars carved into the wood.  He showed them pine and maple samples. Jensen and Jared decided they really liked the red oak and added, per Jared, dogs to the carvings. Jensen also ordered a small box with leaves. “I had a wooden box for treasures when I was little.” Ty said he would deliver the boxes when they were finished.

Jensen invited Ty to join them for lunch at Nick & Sam's Steakhouse. Jared was content to eat the best steak and chocolate cake in Dallas while listening to the friends talk and laugh about when they were boys and all the mischief they got into. As they stood in the parking lot after lunch, Ty and Jensen hugged again. One look between them spoke of the affection that made up their friendship. 

After they arrived home and told Alan, Donna and Mackenzie about their day at Toys R Us and lunch, Jensen took a nap.  Mackenzie had to fly back that night and Jensen wanted to take her to the airport.  Also Josh and Ally were coming over for dinner.

When Jensen came downstairs, Josh said in playful disbelief, “You got my son a mustang convertible?”

“Hey that’s the way cool uncles like me and Jared do things.”

Alan smiled, “If this baby is anything like Jensen, he’ll be all over the neighborhood.”

 “Logan. We’ve decided to name him Logan,” Ally smiled at the family. “Logan Jensen Ackles. You have to name the baby after the person who buys the mustang.”

Jensen was speechless as he hugged Ally and Josh.

At dinner Jensen, Mackenzie and Josh talked about their childhoods and all the trouble they got into, some Alan and Donna was just finding out about.  Ally offered to clean up because she discovered that if she sat too long her back got a little stiff and insisted everyone go into the living room.

Ally was putting the dishes in the dishwasher when Jensen came into the kitchen.” Dad is pulling out the home movies. Jared looks like he doesn’t know what hit him.”

“The home movies are a rite of passage,” Ally laughed. “Josh is looking for the new state of the art video camera. I’ve already told him, he is not filming the birth.”

“I can just see Josh with a video camera. You and Logan will not have a minute’s peace.”

Ally shut the dishwasher. “That’s what I’m afraid of.”

Jensen’s face soften, “When I heard you were pregnant, I was so happy. I figured I would never have kids so I would spoil my nephews and nieces so much by the time they got back home, you would yell at me for turning them into terrors.” Ally smiled at him. “I just want to connect with this baby somehow.”

 

Ally took Jensen’s hand and laid it on her bump. All the sudden he felt not a kick but a flutter, a small movement, like the little baby knew who Jensen was.  “Hey little guy,” Jensen said with wonder. He hugged Ally. “I’m so glad you are part of this family.”

 

“I wondered what was going on in here.”

 

They turned to see Josh and then both wiped their eyes. Jensen coughed a little.

 

“Just talking to Ally and Logan.” Jensen smiled at them. “You two are going to be great parents. This baby is so lucky.” He hugged Josh. “Thank you for being a great big brother.”

Josh hugged back, “Only because you were a great little brother.” 

By the time they went into the living room, a home movie of Jensen and Josh wearing cowboy garb running around the yard was playing on the TV.  Their high pitch little boy voices yelling and laughing.  Jensen sat down sofa between Jared and Mackenzie and watched the little boy who wanted be a cowboy forever.

 *****

While waiting at the airport for Mackenzie’s flight, Jensen asked her about her future plans. She had a degree in Liberal Arts from UT, but didn’t like her job.  She wanted to travel, she wanted to go to graduate school, she didn’t know what she wanted. Boarding for her flight was called over the PA system.

As they stood up, Jensen wrapped his arms around her. “Whatever you do, know I’m so proud of the woman you’ve become. You will always be my little sister.”

Mackenzie’s body shook. “I’m going to miss you so much.”

Jensen stood at the window overlooking the plane. He watched as Mackenzie walked in line to the steps that lead up to the plane. At the bottom of the steps, she turned and wave at him. He waved back.

*****

Donna was sitting on the armchair, her feet up on the ottoman. Whenever any of her children was out, she always stayed up until they were safely home.

 

“Hi honey.”

“Hey Mom.” Jensen sat on the ottoman next to her feet and took her hand.

She put her feet down and leaned in to hold Jensen’s hands. “I’ve just been sitting here remembering the afternoon you were born and when you were a little boy. You were always into something.” Donna sobbed and Jensen put his arms around her. “I can’t stand this. You’re too young. You should be living a long happy life. I’m so angry I could chew nails!”

Jensen sadly smiled over her shoulder. His mother had a way of putting things.  “I could chew nails too.”  Jensen took a deep breath to calm the urge to cough and pulled back to look at her. “When I decided to come out to you and Dad, I knew it wouldn’t matter because you would always love me. And because of you, I was never afraid to give my heart away. That is the best thing you ever taught me.”

*****

Jared was lying on the bed reading a book he found in Jensen’s room. “Hey.”

 “Hey,” Jensen said quietly before stripping down to his boxers and t-shirt. He found the envelope in his suitcase and sat down on the bed beside Jared. “While I was at the lawyer’s, he suggested I have you sign a power of attorney so if I’m in the hospital and not able to speak, you can make medical decisions for me. Just sign this and he will have it registered in LA.”

Jared stared at the document in Jensen’s hand. “Let’s talk about this when we get back to home.”

“Why? We know how quickly things can change.” Jared didn’t move. “What is the problem? The sooner we deal with this, the better.”

“Just because you’ve accepted it doesn’t mean I have. I’m not ready to accept living the rest of my life without you. So much has happened over the last year with the surgery and chemo, and then finding out…. I feel I’m at my breaking point. I can’t deal with this yet”

Jensen folded the document and put it back in the envelope. “I’m sorry. I’ve been making decisions without talking to you first. I guess I thought I would lose my momentum.”

“Please don’t be mad. I just need more time.”

“I’m not angry. This affects both of us and I shouldn’t have sprung it on you like this.” Jensen tossed the envelope into his suitcase. “It’s been a busy day and we have a busy day tomorrow. Let’s call it a night.”

With a kiss, Jensen tucked Jared’s head under his chin and intertwined their legs.  Jared couldn’t have felt worst. He had let Jensen down.

 TBC

 

 


	24. Chapter 24

Even with kisses in the shower, Jensen could tell Jared still felt bad about not signing the power of attorney. They had breakfast with Alan and Donna before heading to San Antonio to visit Jared’s parents.  In spite of the cutesy names of Gerry and Sherri, they were very reserved people and seemed so different from his own parents; Jensen didn’t know what to make of them. Because of his chemo schedule, he only met them when they drove to Dallas after Josh’s wedding for a couple of days so he hadn’t spent as much time with them as Jared had with his parents, but he knew they dropped everything when Jared had his surgery and stayed until their livelihoods were threatened.  It was clear they dearly loved Jared and he adored them. Just as important, they accepted Jensen’s place in their son’s life.  And Jared needed them now.

 

 

 

When they arrived at the Padalecki house, they found a note from Sherri. She and Gerry were working to finish some things so they could take the next day off and she had made up the guest room for them. They looked at each other and took their suitcases to Jared’s old room. Jensen laid on the bed to test it and then pulled Jared down beside him. Since Jared’s old bed was bigger than Jensen’s, they fit better.

 

 

 

“I have an ideal,” Jared said, “why don’t I take you out for the best pizza you’ve ever had and then stop at the grocery store. Mom and Papa will want to take us out, but I want to make them dinner.” 

 

 

 

They went to Big Lou’s Pizza, a well know San Antonio restaurant. As a matter of fact Big Lou’s bragged about having a 32-inch monster pizza for 5 people. Jared and Jensen weren’t so ambitious, but without a doubt, it was the best pizza Jensen had ever eaten. Over lunch they talked about what to make for Jared’s parents and settled on homemade chicken soup, which was the only soup Jared could remember all the ingredients. They went to the H.E.B. Store for a roasted chicken, vegetables, seasoning and Sherri’s favorite French bread from the bakery.  Jared splurged on a white chocolate cake with dark chocolate icing.

 

 

 

As they walked into the kitchen, Jensen saw a red square structure on silts in the backyard with a wooden ladder leading up to a screen door through the window.

 

 

 

“You have a fort?!” Jensen asked.

 

 

 

Jared came to stand beside him. “We wanted a tree house, but none of the trees were big enough so Pop built that for us.” Jensen looked at him. “Grandpa Padalecki.” Jensen nodded in understanding and turned back to look at the structure. “We called it a tree house not a fort. Well, it’s next to a tree anyway.”  Jared turned to finish putting the groceries away when he heard the back door close. He saw Jensen crossing the backyard to the tree house.

 

 

 

Jensen gingerly stepped on the wooden ladder to make sure it would hold his weight.  When he didn’t hear any cracks or breaks, he climbed up and looked in the screen door. It wasn’t as big as he thought. A small table with benches on each end was against one wall.  On the other wall were shelves, but he couldn’t tell what was on them. It was dusty and dirty with spider webs in the corners, and Jensen was so envious. He would have loved a tree house like this when he was younger. He felt something on the ladder and Jared had climbed up behind him and rested his chin on Jensen’s shoulder.

 

 

 

“Who did little Jared Padalecki invite into his tree house?”

 

 

 

“I wanted to invite Ruthie Sanchez. She had long black braids, big brown eyes and, once her front teeth grew in, a nice smile.”

 

 

 

“How old was Ruthie?” Jensen laughed.

 

 

 

“I had a crush on her from the first grade to the fifth. I wanted to marry her.”

 

 

 

“Did she feel the same way?”

 

 

 

“Nah. I was an ugly kid. My head was too big and my arms were too long.”

 

 

 

“Hey.” Jensen kissed the corner of Jared’s mouth. “Jared Padalecki, at any age, wouldn’t have trouble getting me into his tree house.”

 

 

 

Jensen pulled the screen door open and climbed into the tree house.  The ceiling was so low he had to stay bent over with his hands braced on his knees. He couldn’t believe Jared was ever short enough to fit.  It would be a tight squeeze with both of them, but.... “Let’s make out until your parents get home.”

 

 

 

Jared looked at the dirt and the dust floating in the air. Thoughts of Jensen coughing up blood, going into the hospital, they wouldn’t let Jared stay with him, the dust did too much damage. “You shouldn’t be in there.”

 

 

 

“It’s sturdy.” Jensen bounced to show Jared.

 

 

 

“No, it’s too dirty and dusty.”

 

 

 

Jensen stopped bouncing. “A little dust won’t hurt.”

 

 

 

“You’re breathing in too much.”

 

 

 

“Don’t worry. I’m fine. There’s really not that much dust.”

 

 

 

“JENSEN!” Jared got his voice under control. “Let’s just go back in the house.” Jared didn’t look angry, just worried. Really worried. Jensen followed him down the ladder.  “You have to be careful,” Jared said as they walked to the house.

 

 

 

They were chopping vegetables when Sherri arrived home. She hugged them both and was amazed that Jared was cooking dinner.  After changing clothes, she offered to help. Jensen told her to keep them company.

 

 

 

“Did you get settled into the guest room?” Sherri asked.

 

 

 

“We stayed in Jensen’s old room in Dallas, so we’re going to stay in my old room,” Jared explained to her.

 

 

 

“You don’t think you will be uncomfortable?”

 

 

 

Jared smiled at Jensen before telling Sherri, “We’ll be creative.”

 

 

 

“We went inside the tree house,” Jensen indicated with a nod of his head.

 

 

 

“Really,” Sherri chuckled, “every day I expect to see that thing in a pile of splinters on the ground.”

 

 

 

Sherri poured them ice tea and they talked until Gerry arrived home. The soup soon finished cooking and they sat down to dinner.  Jared caught up his parents on his acting. They caught Jared up on all the family and neighborhood news.

 

 

 

After dinner, Jared asked his parents to come into the living room. They had decided that Jared would tell his parents about Jensen. Gerry and Sherri stared at Jared before looking at Jensen. Gerry slowly stood and hugged Jared and Jensen. It took Sherri a few moments to move. This was the news she had been dreading since Jared first called to tell them about meeting Jensen. She cried as she hugged Jensen, but the tears were for her son.

 

******

 

Jared looked around the tree house in the glow of the hurricane lamp he found in the garage.  He climbed into the tree house after everyone had gone to sleep.  Maybe it was fond memories or maybe it reminded him of a time when all he had to worry about was how to get Ruthie Sanchez’s attention and not how to deal with losing someone he deeply loved. He heard a noise and leaned over expecting to see the Howell’s dog.

 

 

 

“Mom!” Sherri was trying to climb up the ladder without stepping on her robe. “You’re going to break your neck!”  Jared helped her into the tree house.

 

 

 

“I wasn’t able to sleep and saw the light.” Sherri said while dodging spider webs.

 

 

 

Jared forgot the tree house could be seen from his parents’ bedroom window. “I couldn’t sleep either so I came out here,” as he sat down at the end of the small table.

 

 

 

Sherri sat on the bench at the other end and took one of Jared’s hands. “People would tell me how funny you were, always the class clown, but I knew how self conscious you felt. You wore hoodies two sizes too big like you were trying to hide. I worried if you would ever feel comfortable in your own skin.

 

 

 

When you called to tell us about Jensen, your father and I were surprised you’re gay, I mean, you always seemed to like girls,” Sherri shrugged,  “but what really concerned me was you becoming involved with someone whose cancer could come back. Then I heard the happiness in your voice.  The confidence.  I told myself not to worry, Jensen had been in remission for two years and you had found someone who saw all the things I saw in you.” Sherri paused to choose her words. “Did something else happen?”

 

 

 

Jared should have known he couldn’t hide anything from Sherri. “Last night Jensen asked me to sign a power of attorney so I could make medical decisions if he couldn’t. It’s the only thing he has asked me to do since he got sick and I didn’t do it.”

 

 

 

“Why?”

 

 

 

“I don’t want to make the decision that could end his life because I can’t.” Jared started crying.  “Mom, I can’t stand the thought of living for years without him. I don’t know how I’m going to do that.”

 

 

 

Sherri caressed her hand down Jared’s cheek. “Honey, I know this is hard and unfair.  Jensen asked you to help him because he has faith in your love and knows you will make the right decision.” Sherri wiped the tears off Jared’s cheeks.  “I’m not going to lie to you.  When Jensen passes, it is going to be more painful than you can imagine, but I want you to remember this. Death does not end love. Nothing can take Jensen’s love away from you. If you live to be a hundred years old, it will still be yours.  When the days are bad, you think about how much he loves you and that is how you will get through this.”

 

*****

 

Jensen woke up needing to use the bathroom and Jared wasn’t in bed with him.  The only light was downstairs. He walked into the kitchen and Gerry turned from the window.

 

 

 

“Hi Gerry. Do you know where Jared is?”

 

 

 

“Jared and his mother are in the tree house. Would you like a beer?”

 

 

 

Jensen learned the best way to get Gerry talking was to let him talk about his kids. They stood at the kitchen window drinking the brand of beer Jared did commercials for.  He and Jared never drank the beer and he didn’t know why. Soon they saw Jared come out of the tree house.

 

 

 

Jared helped his mother down the ladder and as they turned toward the house, they saw Gerry and Jensen scurry away from the window as if they had been caught spying. By the time they entered the kitchen, Gerry and Jensen were sitting at the table as if they had been there the whole time. 

 

 

 

“I going to take a shower and go to bed.” Jared said before kissing Gerry and Sherri good night. Jensen said his good nights and followed Jared.

 

 

 

“What are you doing up?” Sherri took a drink of Gerry’s beer. “How can Jared sell that swill?”

 

 

 

“It’s a good living.” Gerry said as he took a drink. “You were in bed with me and next thing I know, you’re climbing into tree house. I thought I should stay up in case it collapsed and I had to call an ambulance. Jensen came down looking for Jared.”

 

 

 

“I’ve been thinking. We should go to Greece next summer.”

 

 

 

Gerry looked at her in surprise. “I thought you said it was too expensive.”

 

 

 

“We approached it the wrong way. We start taking our lunches and eating out will be a Friday night treat instead of a regular thing. If we watch our pennies, there is no reason we can’t go.”

 

 

 

Gerry smiled as he kissed Sherri’s lips.

 

*****

 

Jensen stripped down to his boxers and lay on his back in bed. He pulled the covers up over his chest and stared at the ceiling. It bothered him that Jared was so upset.

 

 

 

Jared came into the bedroom and shut the door. He pulled his robe off and slid naked under the covers Jensen held up. Jensen curled his arm around Jared’s back, his fingers buried in wet hair.

 

 

 

Leaning on his elbow, Jared laid his hand on Jensen’s right scar, spreading his fingers across the rough skin. “It took a month for me to work up enough courage to walk into group the first time. I was so nervous.”

 

 

 

“You looked like you were going to bolt any second.” Jensen chuckled. “I’m glad you didn’t,” as he kissed Jared’s shoulder.

 

 

 

Jared looked up from his hand to Jensen’s eyes. “I always regretted that because I think of how I could have had more time with you.” Jared swallowed; he was not going to cry. He’d done enough of that.  “Every since….I don’t want to think about what I didn’t do or what I should have done.”

 

 

 

He pushed the covers back and pulled Jensen’s boxers off. His hands caressed up Jensen’s legs, feeling the hairs, to the hips. Moving to Jensen’s side, Jared ran his fingers through the coarse pubic hair above a hardening cock, his thumb stroked the fine hair that lead to Jensen’s navel.

 

 

 

Jensen closed his eyes as sparks ran up his spine as Jared warm hand moved over his stomach and hips. A soft gasp of pleasure. It was the same every time as the first time Jared touched him. He could feel the desire through Jared’s fingers tips. His arm moved round Jared’s back.

 

 

 

After all this time, Jared could run his fingers over the left scar on Jensen’s chest and still feel the missing nipple. He remembered how much he loved licking and sucking it and then how much he wanted it gone, and how much he still loved touching Jensen’s body.  Jared looked up at Jensen’s face. He ran a finger over the full lips, feeling the soft panting breath. He rubbed the bump on Jensen’s nose before touching the long lashes, caressing the freckles on his cheeks.

 

 

 

Jared reached down and started to stoke Jensen’s cock. Nuzzled Jensen’s cheek when he turned his head to gently bite Jared’s bicep. When Jensen reached for his cock, “No. Let me touch you,” Jared whispered. Jensen gripped the sheet as the slow strokes continued. Pre-cum smeared down his hard cock with every stroke. A moan as Jared’s fingers moved from his cock to his hole. Jensen spread his thighs as a finger pushed into him. His back arched as his prostate was caressed. The finger pulled out of him as the hand moved to rub across his balls.

 

 

 

Jared moved to straddle Jensen’s hips. He lined up Jensen’s cock and slowly slid down. Jensen was about to protest when he felt the warm lube. Jared took one of Jensen’s hands and put it on his cock. Bracing with his hands on either side of Jensen’s shoulders, Jared started moving as slowly as he moved his hand moments before.

 

 

 

Jensen watched Jared slowly moved over him. The pleasure on his face, the warmth of his body. The way his chest moved with panting breaths, the flex of his thigh muscles. “I love you.” Jared looked at him and smiled. The smile that said how much he loved Jensen.

 

 

 

Jared leaned down and kissed Jensen. Their tongues licked and intertwined. Jensen released Jared’s cock to wrap his arms around him. Jared never sped up the movement on Jensen’s cock as his arms encircled Jensen.

 

 

 

TBC

 

 


	25. Chapter 25

 “We’re not in the Arctic Circle.”

 

 

 

“It’s cold out,” Jared said as he tied the scarf around Jensen’s neck. LA could get cold enough to see your breath.

 

 

 

“It’s 59 degrees and if you put another thing on me, I’m going to pass out from heat stoke.”

 

 

 

Jared’s answer was to pull the beanie further down on Jensen’s ears. He didn’t like the way Jensen’s breathing sounded.

 

 

 

It was a beautiful fall day for the Cancer 10K Run.  Jensen had started running in the race with Riley after his first surgery to raise money, but this year he didn’t have the lung stamina to walk much less run.  The band’s scheduled free performance at the volunteer barbeque wasn’t enough for him. Jensen wanted to do more so he volunteered to be at the finish line to check people off, give them water and make sure they were fine. 

 

 

 

While filming the latest beer commercial, the head of advertising dropped by and Jared approached him about sponsorship.  The man’s sister died from stomach cancer and he quickly signed on.  Jared wore a jersey with the company’s logo. Reid’s Bar once again sponsored Riley in the race.

 

 

 

Jensen grabbed Jared’s wrists and pulled his hands way. “If you stop being a mother hen, I’ll give you a wet sloppy kiss.”

 

 

 

“You’ll have to do better than that,” Jared grinned at him, “I already got a wet sloppy kiss today.”

 

 

 

“But not in front of the pink dressed ladies,” Jensen nodded with his head to the group of ladies waiting for the run to start. Jared glanced at the ladies dressed all in pink. He was sure they would enjoy seeing Jensen kiss him, but he shook his head no. “How about, you finish in the top twenty, I’ll let you ravish me when we get home,” Jensen whispered.

 

 

 

Grinning, Jared said, “That's what I’m talking about.”

 

 

 

The pink dressed ladies giggled when Jensen kissed Jared before climbing into the golf cart to go to the finish line.

 

 

 

After the race, Jared helped set up for the free concert.  Jensen offered to quit the band since it was hard for him to sing for the whole show.  Steve put his foot down and told him that he was part of the band and they would work around any problems.  Jensen sang back up until he was breathing too hard and sat down on a stool when he needed.

 

 

 

When they arrived home, Jared took a shower.  He walked into the bedroom and saw Jensen was in bed with his eyes closed.  As Jared gently lifted the covers to get into bed, Jensen opened his eyes. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

 

 

 

“It’s ok.” Jensen smiled sleepily at him, “you have some ravishing to do.”

 

 

 

Jared kissed him on the lips. “It’s been a long day. Let’s get a good night’s sleep so we’ll be rested up for the morning ravishing.”

 

 

 

“Morning ravishing, my favorite.” Jensen kissed Jared good night. “Love you.”

 

 

 

“Love you.”

 

 

 

Jensen turned over on his right side, it helped him breath better when he was lying down. Jared curled around him and tried not to think about the change in Jensen’s breathing.

 

*****

 

Jensen groaned into the pillow. How did it get so bad so fast? He didn’t move. It was like his whole body hurt. Jared wasn’t in bed with him. He could hear the low hum of the TV. “Jared.” No answer. Gritting his teeth, Jensen sat up on the bed. Louder, “Jared!” Breathe through it, calm down that’s what the mediation instructor told him. He managed to get his feet on the floor, but when he tried to stand up, the pain forced out “JARED!”

 

 

 

Jared was kneeling in front of him looking worried. “What’s wrong?”

 

 

 

“I need to go to the hospital.”

 

 

 

They waited in a room for Dr. Collins to tell them the results of the tests. Jensen was lying on a bed with a sheet over him. An oxygen mask made it easier to breathe which help with the pain. Jared looked up as Jensen ran his fingers through his hair. He pulled the mask down.

 

 

 

Jared reached up to put the mask back. “Don’t.”

 

 

 

“I have to tell you something.” Jensen’s voice came out in short breathes.

 

 

 

“It can wait.”

 

 

 

“No.” Jensen kept his hand on the mask until Jared let it go. “The pain is nothing new.” Jared frowned, not understanding. “It has always been manageable, like a dull ache.” Jensen paused to catch his breath. “This morning it got really bad.”

 

 

 

“You’ve been in pain and didn’t tell me!”

 

 

 

“I didn’t tell you because there was nothing you could do.”

 

 

 

The door opening startled them both. Dr. Collins sensed the tension.  He rolled a stool over to sit beside Jared. “The cancer has spread deeper in the right lung while the spread in the left lung has been slower. The pain is caused because the right lung is not able to inflate as easy. I’m going to give you something to help manage the pain and also I’m going to arrange for you to have an oxygen tube.  I’ll leave it up to you to use the oxygen full time or just as you need it.” Looking straight at Jensen. “It would also be a good idea for you to have a power of attorney or a DNR order on record.”

 

 

 

Jared reached into his jacket and handed Dr. Collins a signed POA. “I’m have power of attorney.”

 

 

 

Dr. Collins nodded and took the POA. “I’ll be back.”

 

 

 

Jared got a call from the TV series he had worked on before. They were bringing his character back wanted to know if he was available.  Jensen encouraged him to take the job. He could see how much Jared needed something else to focus on. 

 

 

 

It had been a long day and Jared just wanted a shower and a beer.  He smelled it the minute he walked in the door and headed for the bedroom. His anger spiked when he saw Chris lying on his bed beside Jensen. The room reeked of pot. “Get out.” It was more a demand than a request. Chris and Jensen both looked at him in surprise. When Chris didn’t move, Jared yanked him off the bed.

 

 

 

“JARED!”

 

 

 

“GET YOUR DAMN HANDS OFF ME!”

 

 

 

 “GET OUT NOW!” Jared pushed Chris out into the living room.

 

 

 

“WHAT THE HELL’S YOUR PROBLEM?”  

 

 

 

Jared felt his hands fist as he stepped toward Chris. “MY PROBLEM IS YOU BROUGHT POT INTO THIS HOUSE! JENSEN HAS LUNG CANCER! HE CAN’T SMOKE POT WITH YOU!”  Jared grabbed the front of Chris’s shirt, open the door, pushed Chris out and slammed the door.  He was shaking with anger. How could he be so stupid to think he could trust Chris?

 

 

 

“I asked him to buy the pot.”

 

 

 

Jared turned and stared at Jensen standing in the doorway in disbelief. “Are you out of your mind?”

 

 

 

“Come on Jared, it’s not going to matter….”

 

 

 

“NOT GOING TO MATTER!” Jared was angry. His feelings were hurt because Jensen didn’t appreciate what he was trying to do.  “What I’ve I been doing for months then? I feel like I’m keeping you alive by sheer will, and you dare to stand there and say it doesn’t matter.”

 

 

 

Jared turned on his heel and went into the kitchen. He opened the fridge and got a beer out and slammed the door hard enough to knock it back against the wall. He leaned on the counter and took a drink as Jensen walked into the kitchen. “Do whatever you what. I’m tried and I can’t deal with this any more.” Jared wiped his hand across his eyes and face.

 

 

 

Jensen stopped beside him and laid his hand on Jared’s arm. “I asked Chris to buy the pot because I can’t take the painkillers.  They make me sleep for twenty hours a day and when I’m awake, I can’t think straight. Pot helps in ways the meds can’t. I’m able to get out of bed and eat.” He put his hand on Jared’s face and turned his head toward him. “I miss you.”

 

 

 

Jared pulled Jensen into his arms. Hugging him, “I miss you too.”

 

 

 

Jensen pulled back and kissed Jared. It felt like it had been years since he was able to do that. “Sit down and I make us sandwiches and you tell me everything about your day.”

 

 

 

Later that evening Jensen was in bed while Jared sat in the living room. He had meant to work on his scenes for the next day, but he couldn’t concentrate. His mind kept going back to Jensen saying it didn’t matter. It was time he stopped fighting what he couldn’t change and start dealing with it. He was so deep into his thoughts that it took a few minutes to realized knocking was coming from the front door.

 

 

 

“I wanted to tell you that I’d be here tomorrow to stay with Jensen.” Chris said when Jared opened the door. He was debating on leaving when Jared turned and walked back into the living room.  Chris shut the door and sat beside Jared on the sofa.

 

 

 

They sat staring at the floor.

 

 

 

“I’m scared I’m going to wake up and he will be gone.”

 

 

 

“Me too.” Chris said without looking at Jared.

 

 

 

TBC

 

 

 

 


	26. Chapter 26

 Jared watched as a baggage handler put assorted sizes and color suitcases on a conveyor belt leading into the plane’s hold.  The activity gave him something to focus on so he could stop thinking about the reason he was on the plane with Chris sitting beside him. He knew he would feel better if he could just cry, if he could remember anything that happen before five days ago.

 

 

 

The past week had been rainy and cloudy, but that day the sun had come out. The sun was so bright it gave the illusion it was much warmer.  Jared sat at the kitchen table checking his emails while drinking a cup of coffee. He heard the small wheels of the oxygen tube on the hard wood floor before Jensen entered the kitchen. 

 

 

 

“Feel like some breakfast?” Jared closed out of the email program and turned off the laptop as Jensen poured himself a cup of coffee. 

 

 

 

Jensen sat down at the table, parked the tube beside him. He was using the oxygen full time. “I feel like tacos,” before a slip of coffee.

 

 

 

“What?”

 

 

 

“I have cabin fever. Let’s go have some tacos and then go to the beach. We haven’t been in a while.”

 

 

 

Jared would have been happy if Jensen felt like stepping out the front door for two minutes. Jensen finally had to drop out of the band and it didn’t take much to exhaust him. “You sure?”

 

 

 

The nasal cannula framed Jensen’s smiled as he nodded. “Lunch out would do us both some good.”

 

 

 

While Jensen got cleaned up, Jared packed a blanket and jackets along with Jensen’s meds and water in a backpack.  Then he helped Jensen dress in jeans with a t-shirt and pullover brown sweater.  Because of the weight lost, the clothes looked two sizes to big, but Jared assured Jensen he looked fine. 

 

 

 

Jensen ate two tacos slowly but enjoyed each bite. On the walk to the beach, Jared pulled the oxygen tube so Jensen could hold on to his arm.  They found a spot and Jared spread the blanket on the soft sand.  Once Jensen was settled, Jared sat behind him with a leg on either side so he could lean back against his chest.  They sat in comfortable silence watching the waves and other beach goers.

 

 

 

Jensen thought back to the night they made love on the beach. Tears came to his eyes as he remembered how happy he was, so sure the cancer was gone and he would die an old man after living a happy life with Jared. He could still feel the warmth of being inside Jared. The way Jared’s hands and mouth moved over his skin. Jensen pulled Jared’s arms tighter around himself like he was trying to keep life from slipping out of him.

 

 

 

Jared pressed his cheek against Jensen’s head, feeling the short soft hair. He worked hard to keep his emotions under control.  The beach had come to symbolize the last time they had made love for the joy of it, because they loved and wanted each other. Since then their lovemaking was a desperate angry way to avoid what was happening. So many times he wished they could go back to that night and kept making love instead of falling asleep.

 

 

 

They left the beach as the sun was setting and Jared felt Jensen shiver as the temperature dropped. Jared let Jensen nap on the way home, and when he put his hand over Jensen’s, he felt their fingers intertwine.

 

 

 

As Jensen sat on the bed, Jared dropped to his knees in front of him to untie his shoes.  Jensen laid his hand on the top of Jared’s head. When Jared looked up, Jensen’s hands cupped the sides of his face. “I don’t want you to remember me this way.” Jared rose up on his knees and moved closer to Jensen. Before he could say a word, Jensen continued, “I want you to remember what I was like when we met.”

 

 

 

“I wouldn’t trade a minute I’ve spent with you for anything,” Jared said softly. “You are so much more to me than you know. No one could love me as much as you or could make me as happy. I’ll remember the first time you kissed me and how I felt when we made love. Your faith and encouragement that I’m actually a good actor.” Jensen smiled at him. “And your smile that always showed you love me.”

 

 

 

Jensen pulled the nasal cannula off and laid it on the nightstand. He pulled Jared into his arms and kissed him. Jared’s arms went around Jensen’s waist. They kissed as Jensen unbuttoned Jared’s shirt. Jared’s skin felt so warm to Jensen’s lips as he kissed along his long neck. “I want to see you,” Jensen whispered.

 

 

 

Jared stood up and pulled his shirt and pants off. Jensen remembered how self-conscious Jared used to be about his body as he watched Jared undress. His eyes moved over Jared’s body, down the smooth chest to the beautiful cock framed by defined hipbones, the muscular thighs from running Jared still did every morning.  Jared stood still, arms at his sides as he watched Jensen look at him. He wondered if you would ever feel as comfortable letting another look at him as he was with Jensen.

 

 

 

Jensen reached up with one hand to caress Jared’s stomach. Then he leaned in and softly kissed down to Jared’s cock. He lifted it to take it into his mouth. After running his tongue along the vein on the underside of Jared’s cock, Jensen pulled back and let it slip from his mouth. “I want to make love but I don’t think I can,” Jensen said, his voice sounded like he was trying to take a breath.

 

 

 

“We can,” Jared kneeled between Jensen’s legs, “because we love and want each other.” Jared placed Jensen’s hand over his heart. “Making love is more than our bodies touching, it’s our hearts touching.”  Jared pulled Jensen’s sweater and t-shirt over his head and pulled him close so their chests touched, so Jensen could feel his heart beat. “This is all we have to do.”

 

 

 

The kisses were shorter but no less passionate or as deep as the long kisses when their tongues searched out the other, moving from mouth to mouth. Now their tongues licked at each other.  Jensen pulled back breathing hard. Jared waited to see if Jensen needed the oxygen tube. Instead Jensen undid his jeans. After Jared helped him pulled the jeans off, Jensen laid on his side on the bed. Jared laid down facing him and slid one leg between Jensen’s.  With their cocks nestled together, their lips moving together, they made love because they loved and wanted each other. No desperation as Jared kissed the freckles on Jensen’s shoulder. The way Jensen’s hand moved over Jared’s chest and back was loving caresses.

 

 

 

Jensen reached between them to stroke his and Jared’s cocks. Jared pulled his hand away and placed it on his back so Jensen’s arm was around him. Gently and slowly, Jared rocked his hips so their cocks rubbed against each other. Jensen’s arms tightened around him. The leg that was over his hip curled tighter. Jared kissed Jensen in time of his hips thrust. As Jared’s cock grew hard, Jensen only became semi-hard, but pleasure clear on his face. Jared continued to gently thrust, even after he came, until Jensen softly moaned against his neck.

 

 

 

He went to the bathroom to get a warm cloth to clean Jensen. As he wet the cloth under the tap, he realized his hands were shaking. A sad feeling came over him. He wrung out the cloth and gripped the basin trying to will it away. Quickly he left the bathroom.

 

 

 

After cleaning Jensen and himself, Jared slipped under the covers. He lay still, holding Jensen as he felt puffs of breath against his chest slow down.

 

 

 

Numbness settled in his chest.

 

 

 

The same numbness he still felt as he took Jensen home to Dallas.

 

 

 

TBC

 

 

 

 


	27. Chapter 27

  
Author's notes:

The song Remember Me was written by Valerie Simpson and Nickolas Ashford.

* * *

Jared took a deep breath of fresh air in the Ackles’ backyard. He couldn’t stand another person hugging him with pity in their eyes, explaining again what happened, his family hovering.  All he wanted to do was scream at all of them, “LEAVE ME ALONE! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!”  Instead he walked outside into the cold air and sat down under a leafless tree. He pulled his knees up and laid his head on them.

 

 

 

While Jensen was dying, he could cry, and did many times, but now he was too numb to cry. The last day played on a loop in his head. Since, per Jensen’s will, it was a closed casket funeral, the family had placed a large picture at the altar. Jared tried to remember Jensen looking so young and healthy. Steve sung at the funeral. Jared couldn’t remember the way Jensen had looked or sounded when he sang.

 

 

 

He couldn’t remember the first time he met Jensen at group.

 

 

 

Or the first kiss in the alley behind Reid’s

 

 

 

Or the first time they made love on the floor of the bungalow.

 

 

 

Why couldn’t he remember any of it?

 

 

 

Chris stood at the kitchen window staring at Jared. “Damn it Jensen.”

 

 

 

He had come back the morning after Jared had thrown him out over the pot to stay with Jensen like he said he would. Jared let him in the bungalow and left without saying a word. Chris checked on Jensen, who was still asleep, before sitting down at the piano in the living room.  He loved to play and write on the piano while Jensen rarely touched it.  Smiling, he remembered the first time he saw Jensen in the music room at college playing the piano. Jensen was so beautiful then and he was hopelessly in love at first sight. All this time and men later, little had changed for him.

 

 

 

Chris was working on a song when he heard a noise. Jensen walked into the living room. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to wake you up.”

 

 

 

“I like hearing you play,” Jensen said as he sat on the piano bench beside Chris. “Are you working on something?” Chris nodded. “Let’s hear it.”

 

 

 

As Chris played and sang the few lyrics he had written for an unfinished song, Jensen watched him as well as listened. Over the last few months, he had rediscovered Chris. Remembered why he packed up and followed Chris to LA. And once again, how much he had come to depend on Chris’ steady fast love.

 

 

 

“I need you to do something for me.” Chris stopped playing and looked at him. “Take care of Jared after I’m gone.”

 

It hit Chris like a punch in the stomach. They never talked about Jensen dying and now he couldn’t. “I’m not the person for that. We’ve never really got along. Didn’t you hear him throw me out last night?” He started playing again.

 

 

 

Jensen laid his hand over Chris’ to stop his playing. “I worry that he has used everything up on me. You’ll be able to understand and help him.” Chris didn’t look at him, just shook his head no. Jensen took a hold of Chris’ chin and turned his head toward him. Seeing the tears in Chris’ eyes,  “And maybe it will help you too.”

 

 

 

Chris wiped his eyes. “What are you going to do? Leave Jared to me in your will?” He tried to smile as if he was making a joke.

 

 

 

“You’re the only one I can trust with the really important stuff,” Jensen smiled back at him.

 

 

 

For a moment they looked at each other. Seeing lovers they had been and the loving friends they had become.

 

 

 

Chris nodded and said very softly, “Yeah”.

 

 

 

Jensen kissed him on the lips and hugged Chris tight. “Thank you.”

 

 

 

Staring at Jared out the window, he wondered how he was suppose to help Jared when he was so broken hearted himself.

 

 

 

Jared felt someone sit down next to him. Maybe if he didn’t look up they would go away. He raised his head when he felt something tap his hand. Chris was next to him holding out a glass of wine.

 

 

 

“It’s the only thing I could find in the fridge.”

 

 

 

When Chris tapped his hand a second time, Jared took it. “I came out here to be by myself,” as he took a drink.

 

 

 

 “I know.” Chris poured himself a glass. “But you and I have something in common that we don’t have with anyone else here.” Jared looked at him puzzled. “We were his lovers.”

 

 

 

Any other time Jared would have snapped that he was Jensen’s lover, but Chris was right. Of all the people in the house who loss a son, brother, friend or assorted relative, only they shared the loss someone they were in love with.

 

 

 

For hours they sat under the tree listening to noises of the neighborhood. Car doors slamming and engines starting as people left. Empty wine bottle and glasses on the ground beside them.

 

 

 

Alan walked across the backyard to where Jared and Chris were sitting. So many times during the afternoon, he wished he had been outside with them. It had been the worst day of his life and it felt as though it would never end. “Robert Singer, my lawyer, called,” Alan said as he stopped in front of them. “The reading of Jensen’s will is tomorrow at eleven am, and both of you are included.”

 

 

 

Jensen’s will was standard. He gave his parents and Josh some passions.  Mackenzie would receive all his money so she could take time to decide what she wanted to do with her life.  The rights to his songs would go to Baby Logan. He left Chris his piano.

 

 

 

Jared sat in surprised shock as Mr. Singer read: “I am leaving the deed to the bungalow and all the possessions inside to Jared Padalecki because he was my home in so many ways. Mr. Padalecki can continue to live in the bungalow or sell it. If there are any possessions that my family wants beyond what I have given them, I ask that Jared allow them to obtain any item.”

 

 

 

One week later Jared walked into the bungalow that was now his. It felt different. It had become another bungalow on some street in Los Angeles.

 

 

 

Mary sent an e-mail for Jared to call her. The group wanted to have a memorial for Jensen.  Jared gritted his teeth. Not again. He couldn’t go through all that again. His intention was to call Mary and tell her that he appreciated the gesture, but he wouldn’t be attending the memorial. The minute she said hello, Jared remembered what the group meant to them both. Thanks to the deep numbness, it wasn’t as bad as he thought it would be.

 

 

 

Jared spent his nights in the guest bedroom. He couldn’t go into, much less sleep, in the bedroom where Jensen died. The sheets hadn’t been changed since that night. He just closed the door. 

 

 

 

On days he wasn’t working, he sat on the back patio. He knew he should clean out closets, do something, but he couldn’t figure out where to start.

 

 

 

“Hi buddy.”

 

 

 

The greeting startled him out of his thoughts. Steve sat down on a chair next to him.

 

 

 

“I rang the doorbell. When you didn’t answer I walked around. When Jensen …. didn’t answer, it was because he was out here.”  Steve became uncomfortable as Jared quietly looked at him. “I came by to see how you were and give you something.”  He held out a CD in a red plastic case toward Jared.

 

 

 

“What is it?” Making no effort to take the CD.

 

 

 

“Jensen recorded it at my studio and asked me to give it to you after the funeral.”  Steve laid it on Jared’s leg close to his knee.  “The band’s playing tomorrow night at Reid’s, we just can’t get away from there.”  Steve smiled. “Come by. The guys would love to see you and we could always use a roadie,” Steve smiled.

 

 

 

Jared wasn’t listening. He stared at the CD that weighted like a brick on his leg. No, he was staring at Jared sprawled across it in Jensen’s handwriting.  Hardly aware of Steve leaving.  For the first time in days, he felt emotion and it washed over him.

 

 

 

Anger.

 

 

 

 He stomped into the house to their bedroom and opened the door and threw the CD in it. Slammed the door closed and leaned against it. His chest heaved as he tried to breathe. Anger at Jensen for not fighting to stay with him. And angry with himself for going to that group. For staying when he wanted to leave. Wished he had tried to patch things up with Sandy. Begged her to come back. He wouldn’t know he was unhappy, but feeling unhappy would be much better than feeling the way he felt now. Anything was better than feeling so alone and broken.

 

 

 

Later that night Donna called to say she and Alan were wanted some items and would come to LA to get them. They would of course stay at a hotel. Donna e-mailed him a list of the items. One he wanted to keep.

 

 

 

Alan and Donna greeted him warmly when they arrived. Jared had found some of the items and as he and Donna went through the boxes, Alan found the rest. 

 

 

 

“Where is the case?” Donna asked as she picked up a guitar.

 

 

 

“I was wondering if I could keep that one?”  It was the guitar Jensen played the night they made love the first time.

 

 

 

“Oh no, honey. This is Jensen’s first guitar. He wanted one so bad and Alan looked all over town for one we could afford. We….”

 

 

 

Alan put his arm around her. “Jensen would want Jared to have it.” Donna looked at him surprised. Before she could say she wanted to give the guitar to Logan or a future grandchild. Alan kissed her cheek and took the guitar out of Donna’s hands and set it back on its stand.

 

 

 

After Alan and Donna left, Jared went into the bedroom and picked up the CD that landed on the floor beside the bed. With a deep breath, he put it in the small stereo in the corner of the room and pressed play.  He sat on the bed as the opening guitar, the same guitar that was still in the living room, strains started. His hands began to shake. The tenor voice that he listened to so many times in pleasure-

 

 

 

_Bye baby see you around_

_Take good care of yourself you hear_   
_Don’t let me hear of you shedding a tear_

_You’re going to make it_

 

 

Tears came first. His body racked with sobs. He gripped the sheets to keep from falling off the bed.

 

 

 

_Remember me as a sunny day_

_One that you once had along the way_

_Didn’t I inspire you a little higher_

_Remember me as a funny clown_

_That made you laugh along the way_

_Didn’t I boy didn’t I boy_

 

 

 

Then the memories. It was like they were in a clear ball. Each one tumbled over the next one, rushing at him. When they met.  First time they made love. Pleasure every time Jensen touched him. Every single day they lived together came back.

 

 

_Remember me as a big balloon_

_At a carnival that ended too soon_

_Remember me as a breath of spring_

_Remember me as a good thing._

 

TBC


	28. Chapter 28

**Two years later**

 

Jared smiled at the camera with each of his arms around a woman. 

 

“Thank you,” one of the women said to the volunteer who took the picture. “We’ll see you at the barbeque,” she said to Jared as she took the other woman by the hand and pulled her toward the volunteer sign in table. The second woman turned and waved at him.

 

‘Jensen who have gotten such a kick out of this,’ Jared thought as he smiled and waved to the second woman. ‘No Jensen would have loved that I have fans.’  He began stretching to get ready for the 10K Cancer Race.  This time he was being sponsored by the Jared Padalecki Appreciation Club and his beer commercials or Disney talking fish film had nothing to do with it.  Martin freaking Langeford called again. And like all actors before him, Langeford worked his magic and made Jared into an actor and a star.

 

Jared took his place beside Riley among the runners. He put the small white buds in his ears and found the song he wanted on his MP3 player. Hearing that voice made him take a deep breath as it surrounded him.

 

_Remember me when you drink the wine -_  
Of sweet success and I gave you my best.  
Remember me with every song you sing,  
Remember me as a good thing.  
  


Jared cried until his whole body hurt the night he finally played the CD Jensen made for him. He yanked the sheets off the bed and dropped them on the floor. Then he stripped down to his boxers, wrapped himself in a quilt and lay down on Jensen’s side of the bed where his smelled lingered. He fell into the first real sleep he had in weeks. Around four the next afternoon, the shrill ring of his cell phone woke him.

 

“Where the hell have you been? I’ve been calling you all day!!” Eric was on one his excited rampage. Not waiting for an answer, “Never mind. Martin Langeford wanted to meet with you today. I put him off until breakfast tomorrow morning at eight a.m. sharp. Don’t give me any crap why you can’t make it!”

 

The sleep fog in Jared’s head cleared. A disbelief ‘He called again!’ bounced around in his head. “I’ll be there Eric.”

 

After he hung up, Jared sat on the bed. It felt like something had been unwind from around his heart.  He would always love and miss Jensen, but he would figure out how to live without him one night at a time.

 

After a long hot shower, Jared made coffee and sat down in the living room. He looked around at the small bungalow that was now his. Soul or whatever makes a home a home was back.  The scratch on the wall from when Jensen moved the desk to get his favorite pen that had fallen behind it would never be fixed.  The kitchen doorframe would always have a nick from the wheel of the oxygen tube. 

 

A breakfast meeting led to Jared being in one of the year’s best pictures. Every studio in town wanted him.  Eric hired a second assistant and became more excitable than Jared thought possible.

 

_Remember me as a sound of laughter,_  
And my face the morning after.  
Didn't the sky beckon us to fly?  
Yes, you'll remember the times we fought,   
But don't forget me in your tender thoughts. 

His relationship with Chris went from one of suspicion to one of friendship. They grieved together. Jared could talk about Jensen to Chris. Any one else would tense up and say empty sympatric words. But Chris laughed with him and told him about the young Jensen he didn’t know.

 

One night Jared closed his eyes and it was Jensen’s lips moving over his skin. It was Jensen’s arms he slept in. The next morning Jared was so appalled he was sick to his stomach. What he did was unfair to Chris, to Jensen and to himself. Chris got dressed and left.  He knew. It didn’t matter because he kissed Jensen’s skin in the dark.

 

They didn’t ignore what happened. What’s done is done they agreed.

 

_Remember me as a sunny day,_  
Please remember me as a good thing,  
Remember me when you drink the wine,  
Remember me as a good thing, 

_Remember me as a big balloon,  
Don't forget me _

_Remember me as a good thing,_

 

During the last chorus, Jared saw the finish line in front of him. He saw the two fans wave at him out of the corner of his eye, but his focus was on the man waiting patiently for him. Even yards away, Jared could see the smile that reached blue eyes, wind gently blowing the long dark hair.

 

Don’t be afraid to give your heart Jensen’s voice said in his head. As he closed the distance between him and Chris, he wasn’t in love, not yet, but it felt good to be headed in that direction.

 

The End

 


End file.
